A testimony from a lemon tree during Covid

After many days of not going to the front part of our yard , I finally did. As I drove past , I saw something that looked a little bit like a miracle . A medium sized lemon hanging on my lemon tree . The same tree I was talking to last year with all hope lost that it will ever bear fruit !!!

Listen !!! I finally have lemons in my tree – even if it’s just one lemon . This tree had something to prove and the lyrics from Travis Green overwhelmed my heart when I saw this . The tree heard me and it just sad , I will stay , even if I show her with one lemon , I want to show her that I am capable. I cannot explain the feeling of seeing a proper , well rounded , the size of a lemon I usually get from the shops, hanging there , right in front of my eyes. Omg 😳

This tree was so close to being cut and thrown out in my yard. But I took one last step of faith last year . I got all the manure , I spoke to the tree and expressed my concerns and now boom . One lemon πŸ‹, this is worth a celebration!!!!

Oh the overwhelming
Never ending
Reckless love of God
Oh it chases me down
Fights ’til I’m found
Leaves the ninety nine
I couldn’t earn it
I don’t deserve it
Still You give Yourself away
Oh the overwhelming
Never ending
Reckless love of God

There’s no shadow
You won’t light up
Mountain You won’t climb up
Coming after me
There’s no wall
You won’t kick down
Lie You won’t tear down
Coming after me

The tree reminded me of this song. How much God loves us all. How much His love is never ending. How much He will leave the ninety nine just to show up for you . In the moment of despair when I was about to cut this tree , it showed up for me. Even with one lemon , it showed up.

God will show up , in your moment of being alone , He will leave the ninety nine and come for one . That’s the God I serve !!

Dear Baba

Dear Baba

Today is your birthday and I am here to say happy birthday . Happy 80th birthday Baba Lungelo

Missing you comes in waves and today I am drowning

It feels like yesterday when we said goodbye. It feels like yesterday when you were just saying you have given this world all that you came with, I miss you dearly

On the day that I walked down the aisle, I missed your hand and I missed your presence. I am however grateful for the two moments that reminded me so much of you and warmed my heart ❀️

I discovered that Vusi Nova sings Nkosi Sihlangene PLUS Oyahalalela πŸ€”πŸ€”πŸ€”in one song. I had been planning to walk down the aisle with Oyahalalela and I needed something that I would do or have on this day to remind me of you

So when I found this song with the two arrangement in one omg time stood still for me. I cried tears of joy and this was my miracle , a gift from you to me … so Baba on this day I played your song and it will forever be etched in my heart , my video and my memory that somehow I honored you πŸ™πŸ™πŸ™

Being a farm girl that I am …I had requested to take pictures with the Nguni cows πŸ„ on the day . The plan was to take pictures at 16:30 as advised that it’s around their normal grazing time around the chapel

On this day, the cows arrived much earlier just after 10 am and the photographer ran to my room to get me ready !!! Again time stood still , when this one cow came directly towards me , it stood and gave a posture as if it knew what was expected of it

Ntokozo whispered that’s umkhulu Mamncane

Again , time stood still πŸ™πŸ™πŸ™ and I took it all in

Browsing through the pictures, seeing the beauty of uMama walking me down the aisle, opening my veil and handing me over to uBhuti is such an emotional moment for me

You raised your sons very well Baba and they did an amazing job to present me kwa Malatji . I am very grateful for their love and support

Ever since this day passed I miss you more , I talk about you to my daughters daily . I mourn your loss again , I cry each time the song plays and I know we will meet again and I cry over the fact that you were not there 😭😭😭

I missed you I miss you 😘

Your loving daughter

Mano β€οΈπŸ™πŸ™πŸ™

#livingthroughgrief

But he’s so young

I was 25 years when my brother passed and he was 26 years old

The loss of a sibling is painful but the age factor makes the sting even more painful 

I was so devastated to such an extent that I wished my family would consult to find out what happened. I waited , with such curiosity that someone will say , let’s go to a sangoma and find out who on earth is bothering our family 

That question never came

This was our very first experience of loss as a family. And I believe that this changed our lives forever 

I remember a friend of mine , a child of God asking me , what we were going to do about this. He said that in his culture the death of a young person is a serious concern

And so as a family they would go to a traditional healer and request for a solution to stop the plague or whatever was causing the death to stop. I didn’t share with him that I was so hurt and desperate for answers to an extent that I too thought that’s a logical thing to do. I kept this thought and feeling only to myself 

I think the part that hurt the most is the idea that he still had stuff to do, dreams to achieve and family to built 

This is the very first thought that came to my mind. What also hurt the most was when I grew financially and in position in my career. I wished he was there to see that what we dreamt about I was achieving , I felt we were denied an opportunity to be happy together 

I also felt cheated, why him. He too had a dream , just like I did 

I never had a survivors guilt per Se but I did wonder what makes me special. I wondered and accepted the scripture that indeed life is fleeting in nature

He was so young and I still hurt thinking about him

To accept that his time on earth was done , at 26, has been my hardest process and tough to accept 

Because I know how grief feels

After losing her grandfather, I knew that T will be going through a lot

Having lost two brothers , a father and two uncles in a very short period of time myself, I had it in my heart that spending time and sharing our pain with T will go a long way

The thing about grief and loss is that you don’t know how to process it…. each loss is so different and requires different tools of coping 

Tools which you have no idea how to acces until you reach rock bottom 

So I knew that spontaneous outing and activity is what we both needed 

We painted the town red this time, from massages from the Waterfall Spa, taking the Gautrain, exploring the City of Johannesburg, walking on Eloff Street and reminiscing about our days of university and taking a bus number 66 after shopping from town and finally we explored Arts On Main .
We had such a fantastic time and seeing how things have changed for the better in our city and country is something we bother marveled on

South Africa is so beautiful 

We ended our weekend at the farmers market , great food and company and yes the live musical performance was epic 

Overall our weekend was splendid and yes we got to those issues of pain and loss that wouldn’t have come if we were in any other formal place or setting

Because grief is something you live with and there’s no formula 

I know that this friend of mine is my lifetime 

Here’s to seventeen years of wonderful experiences and to many more by Gods grace πŸ™

Living with grief

“intense sorrow, especially caused by someone’s death”

I am living with grief

I didn’t realize until I had to make that call, it all seemed so deja vu…. I remembered how I felt many years ago and I knew this time I have to do the work

April 2008, I was working in Sandton office towers. My brother Sibusiso called to let me know he wasn’t feeling well. I arranged to come see him over the weekend. I don’t recall how I was suppose to confirm whether or not I would make it

Nonetheless I ended up not making the trip after an attempted effort to try find him. I didn’t think much of his illness and I assumed he went to work , seeing that he used to work on weekends also. He worked as a security in one of the popular companies 

I spent most of my time helping a friend move into his new house… the next time I’d hear from him would be the Monday afternoon. I was still at work and my phone rang, a young boy said, Sibusiso says you must come fetch him, he’s sick , he cannot walk nor talk 

My heart raced , I immediately called my brother SJ and the rest of my siblings. 2008 was the early years of my career. I had no car and traveling to lenasia area would have been daunting after five pm 

And so I relied on my siblings to get through to him

They came with him and he was admitted at the hospital in Attredgeville

I would later take a taxi to go see him. His condition didn’t look bad but his stomach was sweating, swelling and he had sores in his mouth 

The next time I wanted to go see him was a Friday, his fifth day in the hospital. Unfortunately I arrived after the visiting hours were finished and I couldn’t see him

I was saddened 

That same evening after 9pm we received a call to say he had passed away ☹️

There are no words to describe how I felt and what I went through that night 

I went bed and cried the whole night , with my mom crying with me, the entire night 

This was our first loss and the sting of death felt like a lifetime