I am a doer – what am I avoiding

I am in my thirties and I have learned that this is a perfect time to put into words the person that I am ? Why so ? Well at 37 I pretty much cannot fool myself by describing the person I hope to be with regards to value systems , beliefs, personality and character . That statement by Maya Angelou finally makes sense “ when a person tells you who they are , believe them “ I never used to talk about myself in any particular context until now. Perhaps it’s because of years of feeling misunderstood and now that I am older I no longer allow that and I come in to save the people the story they might tell themselves about me.

This does not in anyway seek to eliminate the ever available opportunity for growth and change . However it provides a window for one to see themselves for who they truly are . Basically give the facts about oneself

At 37, I am making peace with the following facts about myself :

  • I am a doer
  • Which also means I am very active
  • Action oriented
  • I love to solve problems which I consistently name challenges
  • I find comfort in being busy
  • Which also means that this is how I burn whatever energy I am in in that moment
  • Both positive and good energy
  • I work when I am sad
  • And I also work when I am happy
  • When sad – to burn the sadness , anger and disappointment
  • When happy – to exceed the last performance that I set, did it achieved

This means I am a very good distraction candidate and I honestly cannot point to the exact moment when this began I my life . But I am pretty sure that I was very very young when I started on this journey . I personally find pleasure in doing house chores. I can clean the house , do laundry from sunrise until sunset . This was my past time activity as a kid . Never had TV until I was 16, so I don’t relate very well with the box , had a cat until I was 4 years old and my mom used to make me dolls from her old stockings .

Honestly all I wanted to do when I was a kid was spend time with my mom, as a result I copied everything she did. I cleaned the house and she didn’t allow me to cook until I was in my teens , so I just showed up for the rest. And it gave me some quality time to by myself . Something I treasured , I think it’s because we were always a crowd of not more than five kids at the time in my house. Loved it , but somehow I still ended up laying up under my bed with my stockings doll, singing and telling myself stories .

Anyway back to being a doer. Basically what I have learned is that I don’t process stuff immediately, I shove them or file them in a shelf somewhere and unfortunately never make the time to go back to the shelf to deal with whatever is bothering me . Now we know that’s not healthy

How this came to me during this lockdown- we must have been on day 28 or so , my daughter asked me what happened to my arm , I made up a story and I quickly realized that I don’t remember . Not only was I seriously bruised, but I remember the amount of blood and the pain I felt from this , but just like that , I had shoved that painful experience to some invalid , non important event in my life . I mean there is a bigger crisis right ? Mhhn – wrong

So not only was this an eye opener for me , but I started asking myself what else is happening around and in me that I am not processing . My very first admission was to say within myself and I made a confession about this “ I don’t know how to do this” I whispered a prayer , Dear Heavenly Father , help me.

It would be lovely to look back at this Covid experience with genuine feeling and not fazed memories of not being in the present moment . Especially the pain of it all. I emphasize on the pain because I excel on the grace and gratitude.

And so , this is how this picture came about . Me sitting under the tree , meditating , crying, pouring my soul and allowing all fears all feelings to flood me and be still in the moment .

For this moment , I am grateful

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