I have been trying to put words together to try and define the feeling in the air. My feelings for today.
Going through the COVID-19 experience feels like death or loss . There is so much grief from loss and there is a lot that I am grieving for today.
My husband and I were talking about this the other day and he said to me “ you know , it is very interesting how I am a home buddy , but knowing that I have to be home for 21 days, as a rule is not exciting “ and I thought to myself mmhhhnn , I know exactly why this is the case and I can sure relate .
I remembered words once said by Oprah “ our greatest desire/ seek is freedom “ from the book , Wisdom of Sunday’s.
As humans we want to know that we are free to choose what we eat , who to marry , where to go and what time we want to be there . The experience that comes with COVID-19 has taken that away from us . We have lost our freedom of choice and that is a scary idea . A mere inhaling of oxygen next to someone with a disease can potentially make you ill and in some instance it means death itself .
Going to a grocery store during this time , is no longer a choice between essentials and luxury, nope, right now you buy the essentials and you get the hell out of there , you stand in the queue hoping nobody sneezes on you and that no one dares to touch you . You don’t feel the freedom of choice as you used to ! ! It’s all gone !!!
This is very scary and to think that this is our current reality , it is unbelievable! !!! This is not something we go around preparing for , even my own mother who is in her 70’s says she has never seen anything like this. She has heard of a flue back in the days but never personally got to experience a lock down . This is very foreign to me and everyone around me.
Rules and restrictions can quickly take the joy out of something that you love with all of your heart, even if that thing is simply staying at home . The peace of mind that comes with being home because of your choice , feels like it has now being taken away, gone, because of COVID-19 and that’s where the anxiety begins.
To make matters worse, we don’t know when that freedom of choice will be restored back to us , theres is also a real threat that even when it is restored , we might not be truly free .
There is this fear within me , that the extent of the loss will make us to be filled with extreme paranoia and that we will just become a generation of elders who are extremely fearful and anxious.
I pray to God that doesn’t happen to us.
In my effort to try pin point this feeling . I took a journey down memory lane and I went back to April 2008 , the day I heard the news that my brother Sibusiso was hospitalized. He had sent a young man to let me know that he couldn’t speak and needed medical attention urgently. It was a warm normal Monday for me , yet that evening when I got on my knees to pray, I just sobbed , I closed my eyes for a moment and saw a funeral procession , with my brother in the coffin . I was confused , I felt helpless and I didn’t know whether to cast the death demon out or to surrender .
The very next day , I was on the phone calling insurance to check on my financial standings. I didn’t know that the moment on my knees was a “ for your information “ moment and not a “ fighting “ moment . Nonetheless I was left confused , destitute . This was my first experience with loss and not just any other loss, this was my partner in everything .
Just 9 months older than me, my brother was my companion. We dreamt together and I never in a lifetime thought I would loose him in such a short notice.
Less than two years later my dad fell from a tractor , I didn’t know that I was grieving my brother but I realized that because he was the first person to die in my family , I lived in fear of who was next . My dads illness made me take tough decisions , filled with fear and anxiety from the experience I had with my brother.
Basically , I lost my why . Why am I doing what I am doing daily . Why am I earning six figures if my brother is dead and my dad may just die. My family was the drive behind everything I did and for the first time in my life , I got a wake up call like no other and I was in a deep thick fog 🌫 . The experience of losing someone and the fear of another loss and not knowing how to do life with this reality was a huge challenge for me
Back to today’s feeling
I have had so many rugs pulled under my feet ever since that experience , after my brother died, my dad also died and I was 3 months pregnant with our first daughter , less than twenty four months afterwards, my other brother died , again I was pregnant with our second daughter and shortly thereafter my uncle died.
I cannot begin to explain what loss , anxiety and pain does to the human soul but what I know for sure is this , there is a powerful reason why someone wrote that Serenity prayer 🙏🏾
This is why I am convinced that in times like this , this prayer is the most relevant to our lives. Here it goes :
Grant me the serenity to accept things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference
There is a lot of wisdom in this prayer and I have personally learned through pain and life experience that it is best to welcome whatever experience that comes your way, especially where you have limited control over it, once accepted , TRUST that God , has your best interest at heart . Painful as it may be.
It is not easy
That same fear , that pain , that grief from the loss of the freedom , the loss of a loved one is what’s feeling my air today.
The loss of potential income as companies cannot afford to sustain jobs anymore . Opens room for never ending uncertainty. Many of us are defined by what we do for a living and rightfully so. But for over a year now , I have been reading a book by Michael Singer“ The untethered soul” it helped me redefine my identity versus my job. It is a great self help book and I recommend it.
So today , I would like to encourage you through the helplessness . I would like for you to know that what we are going through , has been allowed and permitted and we shall overcome .
Every year I receive a message for what the year stands for , 2020 is the year of liquidation and it has been permitted . I will expand more on this in my next post.
Our job is to surrender and not to fight and resist.
God is in control.
My wins for the day
I recorded some great wins for myself today !!!
• I cleaned the house very well and opened my lavender air sprays . Cleaning and house chores energizes me , the house smells great 😃
• My kids were outdoor for the most part of the day – I can’t believe how responsible and well behaved this six and four year old are – it’s amazing – they listen – they do their work – they fix their beds and they swept their own room and finished their food – wooow
• I picked up some flowers from the garden 🌸 and decorated my table – simple yet refreshing
• And I got to cook samp and chicken stew – using this moment to show up and serve the people closest to me is the best medicine in the world . I picked up parsley and onion to garnishee from my garden – living the life I tell you 😝
• Prior to the lockdown I recognized some opportunities to blow my kids mind away and so I got jelly and custard – believe me when I say , everyday I hear “ you are the best mommy in the whole wide world “ this is the reason I love being mommy😊😊
• I watched no news today 👊🏾👊🏾👊🏾👊🏾👊🏾 none – try this too if you are reading this – it is a very good strategy to help myself not be overwhelmed by everything that is going on
• I watched a few episodes of Designated Survivor- omg this series is one of my favorite!!! We started it from scratch – second round 😆
Places and people I go to for inspiration
Social media can be overwhelming so I choose very responsibly who I choose to follow. I stick to the rule that I don’t touch my phone for at least an hour after waking up and that always works for me.
I follow people who I believe their energy is aligned to my values , what I believe in and have a good debate and challenge my comfort zone.
Here are a few people I think you can consider to follow up and check what they are posting daily :
Iman Rapetti- a phenomenal South African woman and she is letting us into her home with a YouTube channel named , Iman Is Home . A candid experience of a what typical southern African family is going through during this time . With three generations in the discussions , it’s fun , insightful and emotional yet so beautifully done ✅ !!!!
Bongi n Collin- this one is a must do okay – this amazing Christian couple take us through the golden times. They are beautiful and melodically gifted and play all the jams live from the comfort of their home . I feel goosebumps every time I join them on Facebook Live. This a good time to distress- every evening
Zibu Sibiya- I follow her for her insights. She is very much thought provoking and I just love her out of the box thinking . She challenges the social activist in me and basically kicks my ignorance out of the window . She is fantastic!
Dr Brene Brown- she is my go to person and I listen to her podcast . She is in her second or third podcast now . Something new and very vulnerable. You literally feel like she’s your sister or aunt that’s known you since the beginning of time. A qualified Psycologist
Oprah – all her products speak to my soul. Super Soul Sunday goes live and tomorrow Alicia Keys will be live . This is my therapy space – again this is once a week and can always catch up on their episodes if I missed the live sessions
Sarah Jakes – I go to Los Angels live very Friday morning – been doing so for a year now and my life has never been the same . I feed here spiritually
The Red Table Talk – I believe that Jada is a gift for people like me and I tune in , again once a week , religiously so . She covers all type of topics and she is very current and brave. I love the fact that she has three generations of women and there is so much insight and lessons to be learned.
Word of encouragement
“You are not alone , you are not lonely , you are in solitude “ Jay Shetty