Thank you for 2019

Dear Lord

Thank you for 2019

Thank you for crushing me. I know you know how much I hated this experience and process . I know you know how hurt I was and still am. I know you know how destroyed I felt and feel. I know you know how much pain I was in and how much I needed every bit of a reason and way to escape the pain

I know you know how I wished for death than this pain

Lord you crushed me . Perhaps I thought I was good enough as an extra sweet branch of dark grapes 🍇 ripe and ready for harvest. Perhaps you know better that I’m better off being a well kept wine 🍷, slowly brewed and extra matured …. so you had to crush me for the ultimate best of me to come out

Dear Lord I have to trust you . I have to trust you that the crushing is for my good. I have to trust you that indeed this too shall work together for my good

But I know that you know and I trust that you weighed the challenges , the pain, the destruction and you saw your grace being sufficient for me through this all

I had to trust your presence even when I didn’t feel it. I had to trust your grace even when I didn’t see it . I had to trust that all this will serve me some day and that I will look back with tears mixed with joy for I endured

Dear Lord

I submit the pain

I submit the anger

I submit the stress

I submit the bitterness

I submit the hostility

I submit the unforgiveness

Open my soul up Heavenly Father. Release me from the bondage and set my heart , my soul and spirit free

Dear 2019 ….. ungivovile….. ngiyabonga 🙏🏾🙏🏾ngikhulile

Inspired by TDJakes

The choice I made on 11 December 2019

I had an encounter which was very unkind to me. I felt demeaned, disrespected and looked down upon, in my own house.

The process of reconciliation taught me something. Some days in life, you will not choose yourself. As she spoke her version of the story, lied through her teeth, I accepted, that today I choose my husband and my kids. I was also very clear in that moment that I chose them, over choosing me.

I was an option to choose. Which was a dismissal of the person. I believe that is what I wanted because I felt no one should ever disrespect me like that. Especially when I have done my part to give them the honor and respect they deserve.

I know this for myself, I never want to feel disrespected in my house and furthermore when an opportunity for the truth is presented, the person chooses themselves over the truth.  Trust has been broken.

I pray I never regret the decision to dismiss with 3 months’ salary allowance. But then again, I am reminding myself that, I am always aware when I make a decision of not choosing myself. I don’t feel like I betrayed myself.

However I must share with the person that I would rather live with a person who tells the truth, owns their shit and say sorry, than a person who says “they were joking’ and they did not mean it that way, when all of their body language and demeanor was the complete opposite.

I have lived through enough of that BS in my house and I refuse to do so ever again. I have been made a fool with that language of “I was just joking “too many times, to an extent that I completely lost trust in my own experiences, especially the terrible uncomfortable ones.

I am also very clear that the decision and choice I made is not for peace sake. It is for me to give a human being another chance, a job to provide for their family. I am happy I said this was a verbal warning. I am very clear about that.

Some situations you get to choose other people and it is okay, so long as you don’t betray yourself.

The responsibility of teaching people how to treat me rests with me and I am proud of myself that I voiced that out. Here is what I am going to do:

– I am going to enjoy  coming back home

– Because that is my house that I dearly sweat for it

– I am going to treat myself with the respect I deserve

– I am going to be kind to myself

– I am going to be clear about my boundaries

– I am going to voice out how feel, no matter how uncomfortable it is for me and the person who hears it

 

I have to show up for myself. I owe myself that much.

 

I am a wonderful person, I certainly am a great and exceptional employer, and everyone wants to work for me and with me. I pay the greatest salaries, I am compassionate, and I give above the legally required leave days and salary rates. I am considerate and anyone who works for me is blessed.

How I choose to show up it’s my responsibility , how you choose to show up it’s on you boo!!!!!! If I am honest and you choose dishonesty that’s on you !!!

Reflections 4 : My two big words for 2019

Disruption

I came across this word whilst reading Adam Grants book , The Originals . The book influenced my understanding and made reference to a book by Clayton M , at first I got the book How to measure your life then I got the Innovators Dilemma on sample

Mr Clayton’s theory motivates me . I love data collectors and researchers . There’s something that picks my fancy when a study was conducted and a conclusion done which influences human behavior

As a result I wrote my sentence using this word. I want to use my influence to be of service , to disrupt poverty, inequality and unemployment!!

Disruptors are innovators and people who change the status quo , they do so using creativity and completely change the game

You can read more on this theory from the books above and be on your way to being a game changer a DISRUPTOR!!!!

Elvolve

Sarah Jakes Roberts named her annual conferences Women Evolve and I am in awe at the evolution that’s been taking place in my life as a result

Been watching the Evolve TV and my life has never been the same . Basically the word has helped me come into grasp that old skins must not carry new wine. There is power in growth , particularly in changing and evolving

So I am evolving and allowing change to break me open. From a farm girl , coming to Jhb, studying , working , now a mother and wife . I have to let go of my old story I tell myself . I must evolve

These two words will continue to stir me up for the next many years to come and this year they definitely disrupted my understanding of game changers and growth

Grateful