Lessons learned and reflections from 2019 – Reflections Number 1- What is my WHY

Rev 3:20 : Look , I stand at the door and knock. If you hear my voice and open the door, I will come in and we will share a meal together as friends.

Right in the middle of the night, when the clock hit 00h00, we went on our knees, my family and I, we thanked God our creator for seeing another year and we prayed for hope, love, peace, grace and an abundant 2019. I walked over to my husband and said happy New Year and he responded “no more kids”

This one small statement, turned my 2019 upside down. It started me on a journey to want to know why I want many kids. What is my why?

The journey not only focused on my desire to have more kids, but it filtered to most of areas of my life, why am I the person that I am today, why do I have the dreams that I have today and who is the kind of person do I desire to be and why.

Why do I want many kids? I asked myself. There is absolutely no other truth except that, I come from a big family, having been born 7th, my parents always took care of other kids from my mother’s side. So I am used to a busy, noisy house with us playing around and I absolutely love the beautiful memories that I have from my childhood.

The fact that when we wanted to play skop di bolo, we did not have to invite neighbors to form a team, the fact that we could form two competing teams on our own was marvelous!!!!  I really loved the constant company I had and I just in a way wanted to give my kids that experience. As I grew up, I enjoyed having an older brother mentoring me and teaching how to pronounce and write my words. I further enjoyed having an older sister to look up to, at the same I loved having a young one to mentor and shape. So for each and every stage of my life, I had someone, who was my blood to either learn from, share life experiences with and also someone to teach.

I look at my family and it is like, we all have been passing a baton, one after another. The comfort and warmth of having bigger family means diverse personalities, learning to toughen your voice to be heard because there is so many of you.  

But it seemed to me that my obsession with this had sort of boxed me to stay stagnant with the hope that we will be adding another baby soon. So I did not want to over commit to losing weight, because I might just gain that weight back and waste all the efforts. My focus was on weight and not health. I could not commit with huge effort to studies and anything else because I might just get pregnant and lose or waste all the momentum.

So I have been taking a hard look at myself and I realized that what I was doing , was to find a reason why I should not pursue my dreams, my goals , especially the ones that require extra effort and sacrifice. I realized that motherhood as amazing it is for me, was my excuse not to pursue my dream.

In fact, I was scared, still am a little bit, and it is safer for me to be pregnant and have an excuse why I cannot do this or that. This is my comfortable space and I discovered that to my own detriment, I love it, a little bit too much.

I also realized that I had been doing this in most areas of my life, where I do not live in the NOW, I get something done, do not revel and celebrate and just sit in the moment. I quickly tick the box and rush for the next one. I realized that this is not how God wants me to lead my life. Life always on a fast lane. I have two beautiful kids and I am so grateful for them and I love them, however my memories and my experiences of growing up are mine and were specially designed for me. My job and role is try as much as I can, to tell them the beautiful stories of my upbringing and watch their faces light up at the imagination and the beauty of the story.

As for me, I need to step up to the scary and unknown territories of life and purpose. I must not look for excuses to stop me from achieving that sexy body and I must not look for casual, comfortable experiences that I already know, with the intention of running away from the life God has destined for me.

It is November now, I am completely free from the future and the unknown and I am learning each day to embrace uncertainty and to be open to faith. I am opening more and more to letting go of trying to control the future and have step 1,2,3,4 figured out but I am trusting that God got me. I am already a mommy and it does not matter the number of kids I have, I have a goal and the purpose to accomplish and that is what I must pursue.

I also learned that I am more than a mommy, as satisfying and fulfilling this criteria is, I am more than that and it is okay

to open up to what God has in store for me!!!!

So I do believe that KG’s whisper, was the Lord’s way of knocking at my

door and I am glad I opened. This was the year of saying YES to Him.

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