I used to wonder

With much curiosity

As to why our guest speakers who came to speak during our university mass were so confused

At least to my opinion

Each and every guest that was in the mid thirties mumbled a lot

Some were in transition, some felt stuck to unsatisfying job or marriages . And it always interested me why

Now that I am in my thirties I can finally confirm that thirtees are not a child’s play. The voices in the head do exist

I used to think I needed support when I was younger only to realize that I need more support now as I grow older

Why ?

Life gets really tough when you have tasted the dream. Life is overwhelming once you have seen what your faith is capable of

There’s a lot that has to fall along the way , in order to make it to the promised land

My struggle this year ? Believing that I m truly beautiful and that I am worthy of unconditional love. Especially the love that accepts my newly found body

Suddenly my childhood insecurities showed up. The very place I planned to open to the sun this semester !!!!

Two kids later , I have changed drastically physically …. sadly I feel and see the expectations for me to drastically change to being old me . The thin me who had no kids

This puts such a strain on my mental health. Any suggestions to change of diet or emphasis on the size of my body parts is enough to send me on a path of self hatred … change is overwhelming

I have my dream , my two beautiful girls , but with that comes the burden of the change of body. Sadly in this Instagram world, I feel even more pressure because everyone one there loses their weight the moment they leave the hospital bed

To say that’s unrealistic is an understatement but sadly I am seen as being defensive because so and so has done it

Unfortunately so and so do not have my body type nor do they have my genes and blood type . So to give myself the grace to lead a healthy life and have a positive body image and view of myself is going to take a lot of work

I was wondering how I arrived at feeling so ugly and losing my self esteem

I was just wondering … the truth is I am receiving criticism more than encouragement. I’m not in an environment that applauds childbirth , motherhood and al that it comes with. I’m in an environment that does project one and runs along to project two without even taking a breather

This is not good for me

I also I recalled that it all looks too familiar …. I have observed the ladies who came to visit us . They looked and sounded like me now .Saddened by their own journeys and all the unforeseen events that had occurred in their lives

So here is my prayer today :

I pray for words of encouragement daily to help me see me clearly. I pray for someone to say well done for looking so beautiful even after two kids , two c-sections are not a child’s play … you have done well!! I pray for help for me and my family to accept the transition and to be content with my new abilities but also equally my shortcomings

I pray for help to see myself clearly

I pray for myself to let go of my past body and focus on being present and being healthy

I pray for my self esteem to be restored by what’s not fleeing but to how God desires me to be …. I pray in the Jesus name