Lesson #6 on Self – doubt

Overcoming self doubt is all about believing that we are enough and letting go of what the world says we are supposed to be other than ourselves.

Self doubt vs humbleness

In my language the two are very closely related and it may seem like a humbling thing to stand but continuously dim your light so that you may not be seen as someone oziphakamisayo , doing so with an intent of not making someone feel small or even out fear of perception

I realize now so many moments when I thought I was being humble kanti I was looking down upon myself, and unintentionally dimming my light so that other people see and feel their light

I realize now that in some areas I have spoken so little about myself that I actually started becoming little in that area …. when I meant to be humble but acquired self doubt . My own words created a small me in those areas.

Could it be that I spoke myself into mediocrity 🤭

I didn’t know this could happen… when misguided good intentions yield bad results

Again let’s go to the beginning….

The gifts of imperfection has been my bible on this lesson too and forced me to think back how I acquired some form of self doubt . I know beyond the shadow of doubt that I am not inherently like this , it’s a feeling and skill set that I acquired along the road of becoming . I wonder if I can completely rid of it so I hope and pray for more awareness when I fall into this pit

I was about six years old when an incident occurred in my family where my sisters brand new school Jersey was cut using a pair of scissors ✂️. This incident was one of the most traumatic experiences to ever have at my young age. I don’t remember what happened with the jersey , all my baby self remembers is that I was protesting that I never did such a thing but I think I spent a lot of my childhood creating this scene in my mind to a point where I didn’t know whether or not I am the one who was holding the scissors and cutting through the jersey.

It all seemed fitting at the time for me to be blamed because it was not my turn to have that new jersey. Even with all my parents hard work and effort , I relied on hand me downs for most of clothes throughout childhood years. …. and so this act could have been out of childish jealousy perhaps 🤷🏿‍♀️

Writing about this experience now still makes me wonder what happened because to be quite honest I don’t remember. All I know is that I battled with the feeling of guilt and self doubt about the goodness of my being and I always second guessed myself with almost everything. In fact this incident gave birth to the people pleaser in me . I don’t know whether I desired to please out of remorse and sadness for my behavior or out of pain of false accusations and the need to prove that I am not that person

I know for a fact that to date , I dislike being falsely accused and I worry more than I should of what people think or perceive of me . A need for external validation and reliance on people to validate me was also birthed through this painful experience ….. the desire to be seen as a good person

I have personally observed how self doubt masqueraded extremely with my memory loss experiences. It hit me hard when I realized that there’s a huge chunk of my life that I just don’t remember. To trust myself that my brain is in control and was doing probably doing me good to give me a break , was a huge challenge for me .

Self doubt I think is the mother of low self esteem and the feeling of inferiority. Funny how one can be a courageous person but riddled with self doubt in one body , mind and soul

This is something I have observed amongst many thought leaders that they deal with self doubt almost each and every day of their lives. It’s a continuous battle of ” I know I am good but am I good enough ?”

Thank God for apostle Peter !!! Here is the guy who bursts in confidence and says You are the Christ the son of the living God …..to the man walking with fear and shame and denies the Christ …. he is the same Peter demanding to be called out and yes God honors his faith and the man walks on water …. he is the same man who looked down and just couldn’t believe himself and he sank and the Lord saved him !!

Sometimes I am like Peter … I have a lot of courageous moments in my life and moments I know for sure that , this could only be God. I have the most amazing courage to stand out and call things out , whether it’s work , family life, anything . I am the same person also who has faith and I walk on water baby , Ohw but damn I also struggle with doubting myself and just like him I have sinking moments and yes more than I’d like to

Did I just do that , was it me , am I good enough ? Was that okay , did I do well ?????

Self-doubt is when our fear undermines our faith !! Self doubt undermines our gifts and limits us from sharing them with the world ” Brene Brown ”

What u learn from Peter is to really feel the fear but continue anyway. I wonder what was on his mind when he started to sink ? Was he thinking about his betrayal to Jesus ? Could it be that he thought he didn’t qualify after all that he had done , rejecting Jesus ? Perhaps he was wondering what other people on the boat thought of him now that Jesus who clearly wasn’t bothered about his past was up for the challenge …. it’s possible that all the disappointment he felt in himself clouded his faith and he sank

I think when I feel strong and courageous it’s when I am in complete faith and in complete trust of the one in control , Jesus. When I trust Him that he called me out and said it , girl I walk on water !!!! Ohw Lord but the moment I think of the facts that I don’t qualify , my shortcomings, the poverty, the background , Jesus then I start to sink !!!

The moment I lose sight and think of where I come from and who do I know where I come from has made it or not …. I literally understand how the wheat 🌾 thrashing man was feeling …. self doubt and inferiority complex not just about himself but the whole nation …. being black , poor in born in South Africa

So in dealing with self doubt here are the supposed to messages I am surrendering and I am claiming all that I am because I am enough in all who I am ….

– I am kick ass Financial Manager and I have an amazing gift in people management and I am a game changer with my leadership skills…. I start to sink when I think I am supposed to be a proffessional accountant in order to be good at it … truth is I am excellent NOW not tomorrow nor the day after . I am afraid of the negative audit outcome more so the linkages of it to my self worth

– I am great storyteller and writer …. I start to sink when think I am supposed to be an English expert in order to express myself in English

– I am the best chef in my house …. I start to sink when I think have to be an expert in all the gluten free, food content matters etc and that I need professional training to grow and excel in it

– I am the best at being me – yes I don’t know anyone from Warden and yes I might not have a clear example but the truth is there is not a single person on earth like me – I start to sink when I think just because no one has done it then it doesn’t exist …. my dreams are valid my aspirations are valid … I matter I am good enough

Right now , just for me , I want my life and work to be inspiring and to encourage public servants to come alive and see their roles beyond just being employees but game changers and that we all can contribute in disrupting poverty , inequality and unemployment . I want my marriage and friendships to hold a space of meaning for me

I will pursue and persist in this work and life regardless of the audit outcomes that we receive…. these tend to hold so much In defining my worth and today I take my worth back !!! I am good enough regardless of the audit outcome . I will continue to pursue meaning in my marriage and give myself a benefit of a doubt in my mistakes . I will do the same in my friendships and cultivate meaningful friendships and experiences

I am willing to fall down and rise again , I am open to failure and I am letting go of perfectionism and supposed to be , because I realize they all hope or promise a false hope that if I have them I won’t fail , fall or be disappointed or be open to criticism even accusations

When will this end ??

I remember asking myself this question , I was exhausted, had just buckled up my toddler and a few moths old baby in the car seat, I put on my seat belt and started the car . The question came ” did you lock the door.?” I sat there for a moment and I asked when will this end ? I know there’s a lot of people who lock their house doors go to the car only to go back again and check whether or not it has been locked ….by the time you get back to the car you have forgotten whether or not indeed the house door was locked and if you did recheck again… I don’t remember many times when the door wasn’t actually locked but I suffered from this demise

But I know that on that exhausted day , I told myself this was enough . I was never ever again going to second myself the way I had been for so long … I cannot be bouncing between the car and door for such a long time . It’s either I trust myself that I have locked the door and that I trust God to keep safe whatever is inside or either I am willing to part ways with whatever is in that house …. since that precious day I was done with doubting and second guessing myself on whether or not the door was locked !!!!

I trust myself to do right …. regardless

Dear God

I ask that you help me realize what makes me come alive and that each day you will help me make that my priority in serving you on this earth . Because I do believe that this is the only way in which I can truly serve you, when I come alive

Help me believe that I am good enough just the way that I am , not one more kilogram drop in my weight will qualify me for your unconditional love , you love me anyway

Your work in the cross is enough to redeem me , No effort is required from me to earn your salvation , your son Jesus Christ did the work for me

I pray

In you I live and have my being … uplift my view of self Dear Lord I pray

🙏

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