Dinner

This is what I am serving tonight !!!

It’s become one of my shining and easy to prepare meals and the kids love it !!!

Yummy ๐Ÿ˜‹

And of course I treated myself to latte and my hot scones .. JHB cold winter evening

This is how I burn some energy after a long day at work … after this I feel calm , purposeful and fulfilled ๐Ÿ™

Saturday baking – 27 July 2019

It’s official !

We bake for fun and connection. This is me and my two little girls … I hope they remember these days and that they marvel at the beauty of the time we spend together

I tried pudding for the first time today … I hope it tastes good ๐Ÿ˜

I am starting to really love our weekends ….. my family brings me joy and meaning ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿ™๐Ÿ™for this I am grateful

Braai Meat

Braai is one of South Africa’s must have meals !!!

Easy to prepare

This evening I went to the close by butchery and bought thin chuck. I love our butchery , they sell fresh meat and are very dedicated in keep their environment compliant to the local health standards

So here we go . Some marinade and spice.. and a grill for as soft or as crisp as you desire … I prefer mine tender so 30 minutes on 180-200 degrees is okay!!

I served this with chakalaka and warm bread

TGIF – 26 July 2019

Trusting

It has been almost two years from October 2017 that I have been hearing the voice of the Lord saying to me ” it’s over” . I do believe that a lot has been ending in my life , sadness and sorrow. More than anything I earned resilience through adversity. I am continuing to surrendering and trusting God to reveal to me more meaning and I trust that whatever comes my way , He’s got me. I also listened when the voice told me that writing it out loud here will release me from the anxiety and open me for what is about to happen in my life . Dear Lord , I open up

Grateful

Grateful for unlimited and amazing joy I have experienced this week !!! My team and I did a stellar job and received an unqualified audit opinion. After all the affirmations I did on my blog, I do feel slightly above the deep desire and need to be defined by it. However I will make a special case to make sure that when all is said done we celebrate this milestone and just sit in the happiness of its glorious moment . I can only hope that we grow further from here. This is such a big deal!!!

I am very grateful for being mom. Our eldest daughter had her first open school concert this week. Firstly as a working mom, I am grateful that I have found my voice , to an extent that I am able to call my boss , tell the truth and say how it would make feel to show up for my child. I am so grateful that I showed up. At the end of that day , Katlego came to our bedroom and said ” mom, thank you for coming to my school concert today, you made my day” . I sobbed , because I didn’t realize that a five year old notices and could even verbalize their appreciation.

This is the kind of a mom I have always aspired to be and for this opportunity, I am grateful ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿ™๐Ÿ™

Inspired

I am inspired by Devon Franklins book The Hollywood Commandments. You know there are prayers I have made and just surrendered them to God and let go. I know behind a shadow of doubt that God wants me to be reading this book at this very moment in my life. I made an affirmation recently and posted ” I am ready to make a shift” and this book is just what I needed to break me open and to remind me of what God can do even for people who work in a so called circular world like me . It is my answered prayer and I am amazed

Fun

This week I was very giddy and playful. My team encouraged me to take selfies and have fun . Even though I still need selfie induction I opted for daily photo on the patio ! This was so much fun and very playful. I enjoyed every moment of it !!

Planned fun – I joined my colleagues in my first ever winter games fun . This is a collective effort where various entities under the Chapter Nine institutions come together and compete in various sporting quotes. I signed up for aerobics and it was a good two hours of fun ( I couldn’t hold on for another 2more hours ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜). This fun is significant for me , there is a lonely journey walked by woman in powerful positions and this was my way of trying to let go and be part of my people … this meant arriving at the office this morning , packing my stuff and saying bye , just as I was stepping to the lift I got called in to release a payment … this took an hour away from my intended schedule. Usually this would have made feel aaagh why bother going , work needs me . But today I won , I persisted with my intention to be part of the bigger group, even though I only have had conversations with a handful of people since my arrival at this entity !!! I still had fun ๐Ÿ‘Œ๐Ÿพ

I am on my way to being the woman I am meant to be . I am evolving and I am proud of myself ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿ™๐Ÿ™

What’s on your TGIF journal ? I would like to ๐Ÿ‘‚

Creativity – Our girls bedroom is coming along pretty well

I had renovating the girls bedroom as one of my 2019 resolution and now that we have made some progress I am very glad to share some tips here

  • Take your time – I did this project over six months and this allowed me to conceptualize the look , find the right products at reasonable prices and also give suppliers ample time to produce
  • Find reliable suppliers – the Facebook platform is amongst the best tools to use. Have a look at the pages reviews and look for consistency
  • Conceptualize – I love using Pinterest for all my ideas and I have been saving a few of my favorites over time and I used a lot to these concept to get to the final idea
  • Be decisive – don’t start discussions with suppliers until you have at least final two options – this saves you and the supplier time plus you don’t have to get ten quotations for the same kind of thing
  • Choose the supplier you want to work with- my factors were ability to deliver directly to my home or workplace and of course market related prices ( I wasn’t looking for anything above market price because it’s generic staff and material). You may want to discuss guarantees depending on the item , cost and durability
  • Lookout for import taxes – I was gullible and liked a product which I could only get overseas. I didn’t cover my research base well and I learned that import tax on that product was an arm and a leg

We still need a study desk and perhaps a tipee but here is why we got

Bunk bed , book shelf and dress stand from @myriadfurniture . They are available on Facebook

Pouffe is one of my favorite items in the room @Crafted did a stellar job in creating this colorful one for us . See their page on Facebook

The colorful rug – it is the most awaited item in the room and I just love Sonya Winners hand made rugs – check them on Facebook

Laundry basket and pink rabbit – Mr Price Home

The night light in white and door stopper – Takelot.com

The artwork on the wall was done by one of my favorite people. @Custom Paper

We also got creative with the girls artwork. And @framemasters did a stellar job framing these

Other accessories are books from Dischem and we also got water bottles to keep the girls warm . Other accessions are from Pick and pay

I hope you enjoyed this post and you love how this turned out !

Let me know how you allow creativity in your life to show

๐Ÿ™

Lesson #7 – Cultivating play and rest – letting go of exhaustion as a status symbol and productivity as self worth

Inspired by the Gift of Imperfections.

These are my reflections on this chapter and moments of inspiration. Dr Brenรฉ Brown speaks on a subject that I have had to learn and I continue to learn … I must be the first one to admit that play and rest are lifelong skills that one must acquire on each and every season of life ….

I read this chapter over and over again because I wanted to clearly see the tapestry of how I got here … and help give words to a vast majority of experiences that I never was able to describe before . ….

I was curious to understand how I define rest and play as a critical part of wholehearted living in my own personal life

Dr Brenรฉ writes this truth โ€œ in this culture where net worth takes priority over self worth and where our worthiness is based on productivity โ€œ spending time doing purposeless things may even cause stress . We say we have so much to do and little time and we rush through our to do list . We also look down upon giving our bodies enough time to sleep and rest because we are rushing for the next project

These words are a mouthful

I have had to walk a journey where I reconsider what brings joy and meaning to my life. In fact , I think I do this almost every season of my life . I have had to read the book by Clayton M titled โ€œ How to measure your lifeโ€ in order to help me contextualize what matters most to me versus what the world says and I also watched David Brooks interview and I paused when he said โ€œ I valued time over peopleโ€ and he continued to say โ€œ I had midweek friends and those he described as colleagues but he had no weekend friends โ€œ and those are genuine long lasting friendships !!!

For almost all my life I valued hard work , being busy and almost never giving myself time to rest. I too valued time …. As a Christian even a mere meditation time and prayer time are moments of rejuvenation but never rest. And so I led my life jam packed with activities , people to serve , stuff to do , but nothing on purpose less time . In fact if anyone ever told me about โ€œ planning to do nothing โ€œ time , I probably would have considered that person as less ambitious ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿฟโ€โ™€๏ธ

Throughout this I acquired some great accolades at my job but with it came workaholism and productivity as a yardstick to measure my self worth

This chapter enabled me to define my 2015 personal experience to which I will never forget for as long as I shall live. I started a job as a Financial Manager in a Public Entity and I was reporting to a Chief Financial Officer who later resigned. I assumed the responsibilities unofficially and would later apply for the position. Even though I applied and stood good chances due to a great company policy, I just couldnโ€™t help but be in conflict about the quality of life that I desired versus the responsibilities of a new job and not to mention I was pregnant with our second born.

For as long as I can remember I have always declared that I know I was meant to do something on this earth and I have always said I want to be a successful woman who is equally successful in her marriage . A happy marriage is something of value that holds true meaning and joy for my life and I just couldnโ€™t see how the timing of it all could work together for my good …..

My career life up to this point in 2015 was making me feel that what I want versus my actions and commitment were not yielding my truest desires and I knew that I was always willing to let go of one or reduce something on the other in order to achieve the one …

This made me realize , that I was not on track . I was giving the best of my time and the best version of myself to my work and leaving my family to receive whatโ€™s left over of me . Basically I was giving the whole freshly baked bread to my employer but giving my family scrambles falling off the table …. and just the idea on the quality of this life did not sit well with me …

My actions and commitment were a complete opposite of someone working towards the goals and dreams I desired in my marriage …

And so in this case in 2015, I walked up to my CEOs office and I withdrew my application and let go of the CFO position in order to bring about and invest in meaningful service and experience with my family. I think even in 2015 I truly understood that exhaustion as a status symbol of hard work, sleep deprivation and productivity are not a badge of honor for me. …. or at least at that moment ๐Ÿ™or not anymore !

Now there were many other factors linked to this decision which I will write more about but on this chapter this is where I want to draw my lesson.

Aspirations, ambitions , goals and dreams all have a price to pay. It became crystal clear to me that I will not be happy to stand in a podium of some form of success and achievements without my family around me and so I made a choice. I chose my husband and my children and few months down the line as I sat on my couch watching Robin Roberts on the Master Class , gosh I knew beyond any shadow of doubt that I had made one of the best decisions in my entire life ….

This wa just not the time nor the position for me .

It was from this day that I started owning my voice. I discussed with my husband about how I wanted to show up more for my family and that it was more about the quality of our life rather than the quantity of stuff we owned

As they say โ€œ I wanted stories to tell and not stuff to show โ€œ

In simple terms , the CFO post came with a seven digits salary and I was putting that aside for the quality of life that matters most to me.

Already as an FM my life was not inspiring to me and I looked at it and wondered if this was it. Consistent late nights, weekends at work and just the never resting state of mind

So one of the things I started to do at work was being vocal about the work structure and the reduction of additional hours required in order to produce work. Up until that moment I was doing a sixty hours shift per week , which translated to working 10 hours a day and 5 hours on weekends. I had my laptop at home daily and every night something needed to be done .

I also realized that there is a difference with being driven, overcommitted , trying to impress , and a flat out flawed company structure which sets you up for failure.

I also stopped the narrative of being black,being woman ,being previously disadvantaged and being forced to gratitude even under abusive circumstances ( another topic for another day)… that line โ€œ be happy you got a jobโ€ your fellow brothers are starving out there …

Anyway, so I was always trying to finish something only to end up with other overdue items at the end of it all. No amount of planning , delegation , training and retraining and prioritizing was helping me…

The more vocal I became about workflow and structure and proposed solutions to management the more I gave myself credit and stopped trying to burn myself out in order gain self worth. Extremely difficult for my personality because I love owning my stuff not to mention excellence

This yielded positive results for me in a sense that my hours reduced drastically , work got done and what couldnโ€™t be done no longer defined my self worth. Most importantly I reduced overtime ( all unpaid) to eventually a few weeks of hours spent at work which was still an issue for me. I am very proud to say between Jan – Jul 2019 I have worked less than 30 hours in the entire six months , outside my employment contract and I am ecstatic about this !!!! On top of it all , all hours I worked for I got paid for them and this is a new environment where my disease to please and prove my worth would have been naturally higher ๐Ÿ™ but I won and I GREW up. I have taken my laptop home less than five times even during audit time and I no longer feel the need to prove my worth

Ngiyakhula

Talk about growing into knowing myself worth and not producing for recognition !!!!

Dr Brenรฉ says we are a nation of overstressed adults raising over-scheduled children. And this is true for us also. We have this drive to succeed and achieve and with good intentions of exceeding what our parents were deprived of achieving …. we are black and in South Africa and it seems just like the only thing to do

However on our way there , we make mistakes and sometimes these mistakes cost us what we thought was important and may even put a shadow of doubt about our level of ambition when compared to others …. a temptation I have written about on my blogs and we all know it’s a step towards a wrong direction …

I have truly learned that , with time , all that we desire materially and all , we shall have. The only thing we will not be able to acquire , is the time when our babies crawl , taking the first steps , giving the kids a bath, hearing them laugh uncontrollably and all the joys of the day to day experiences of sharing life together….

It has been ten years since I met my husband and it is so unbelievable that our babies are five and three years old. And for the past ten years I am glad that I was able to show up the way that I did …. there was a point in life when I realized that the hole of work and productivity doesnโ€™t get full … so I asked myself … what is the one thing that I can do to show up for my family … one area where I can be consistent in it , serve them and it must be an area where I can also grow and be challenged ???

And so cultivating rest and play for me has been learning to show up by COOKING, I used to come home stressed out from work but since that decision time I come home and I ask myself … am I giving my family the best of me or am I sharing the left overs ? I have been cooking at least five times a week for the past ten years and my goodness I am glad…

I cooked through the bad days and the good days …. and I remember thinking … what good does it do me to come home sit and moan … what happens thereafter ?

My cooking graph has had a life of its own but I have built so much resilience for life and itโ€™s challenges just by challenging myself to do this one thing , daily , and do it very well . I have grown with resilience and just keeping my word , I also managed to feed my family and create amazing memories whilst doing so …

This area , is for me how I have truly cultivated resting place for my mind . As soon as I step in the kitchen I can feel my brain decluttering all that was bothering me , I can feel hope and the lightness of Gods goodness entering me…

My brain alone was a ticking time bomb with stress and anxiety from work related matters and it all needed to change

The amazing moments I get to share with my kids , baking muffins and cutting cookies …. this here is amongst my happiest places on earth and I wouldnโ€™t trade them for nothing !!!

So if anyone asked me what do I do for joy and to rest my mind …. my answer is … I cook and serve my family !!! This is what brings me meaning and joy right now !! I join my children on a trampoline and I show up to sit and watch them ride their scooters around the yard

I do all this because I know this , as I rise , I want all of me and this means my husband and my children to rise with me !!!

โ€œ a word of gratitude to my husband , who is an excellent example of what resting resembles and for allowing me to get to this lesson by myself โ€œ thank you for seeing the fire and flame in my eyes and encouraging me to go for it and thank you for supporting me still when I choose to be me and still and be ๐Ÿ™

I am grateful

———————————————

Ask yourself this question….

โ€œ When things are going well in my life , what does it look like โ€œ?

  • Meaningful conversations with hubby – date nights
  • A sense of connectedness
  • Giggles with the girls and crazy moments in the passage
  • Cuddle time with the puppies
  • Trampoline time – spontaneous unscheduled
  • Spontaneous visits to a play area
  • Exploring a new series with hubby
  • Bath time with the girls

Dr Brenรฉ encourages me to look at what my dream looks like versus what brings meaning and joy to my life. It’s a fact , what makes me happy does not require me to spend more money and the dream is about what’s next and mostly requires money

I do believe that the starting point to it all is also gratitude . The point is be joyous and give yourself a break now ! Take time to say thank you , yes you are working on that big break but don’t defer joy and rest !

Don’t defer your happiness . Don’t be that person who says I will be happy the day I have a car or the day I have a dinner table or the day I drive that car or the day I have the house . This mindset is a great joy stealer , avoid it at all cost !

Look at the little things that are present right now in your life . For me it is my family and I am committed to show up and be joyous in the little things and moments with them !

I quit exhaustion as a status symbol ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿ™๐Ÿ™ I also refuse to pursue that dream at a cost of my family

Life is challenging and even more so when you are working mom with big dreams . I believe that the wisdom of knowing what time it is in your life is critical to answering what you commit yourself to and how you should go about

For me I am committed to cooking and it means for the past many years I don’t watch tv during the week and that is fine . It means I don’t necessarily read books to my kids daily and that is fine

Building a family will always have competing demands … I just decided to choose one thing that I can be consistent with !!!

What’s your thing ? How are you resting and being joyous and showing up for in your life ?

TGIF- 14 July

Trust

I am trusting that with my growth comes maturity. I had to dig deep into my self worth this week and took a bold decision to put this on our office wall. Be here, be you , belong . It does not matter the audit outcome , you are good enough.

This writing on the wall is something I was inspired to place. I was trusting that my team is encouraged to know that our office space is a safe environment to be yourself and be truly seen. Secondly , in an environment where we are responsible for financial reporting and are measured based on an audit outcome , it is critical to own our skills , resources and self worth regardless of the audit outcome. Especially when the factors determining this outcome have become something beyond our control

I never thought I would ever think this way in my career life but I have come to realize that I ought to speak truth to BS. When I got to a point that I couldn’t answer the questions truthfully from my team , I woke up to the realization that beating about the bush on something so obvious doesn’t help. So I stopped being naive and spoke the truth

When the audit is done and no matter the opinion I know this for sure that we will rise . Because we have not placed our self worth on this opinion and are able to self correct and and focus ourselves and effort on a goal much higher than the audit opinion . Don’t hear me wrong , the opinion matters but at this point and time in our office , we have to trust ourselves first before we can put our self worth on another person or organization.

And looking back at my career in public service , I wish I knew this sooner . I have wasted a lot of time trying to prove myself and have failed dismally , over and over again. Knowing this has given me my power back

So I trust and pray for more courageous leadership and finding my self worth in something bigger and more than an audit opinion

Gratitude

I am grateful for long lasting friendships. Meeting with my friends and sisters in Christ for a birthday lunch was the highlight of my week. These are ladies I have known for over 15 years and I just have so much gratitude for their presence in my life. I have always had the fear about losing friends and I am grateful that I have learned that friendships are built , just like any good lasting quality anything. Losing friends at this stage is more of an informed decision rather than a shock to my system

Friendships require trust , patience and lots of forgiveness. One of my biggest lesson on friendships to date has been growing together , loving and supporting one another even when you have a difference in opinion or status quo changes on matters or issues that you thought you both believed in . To also be friends regardless of the path you each chose in life

In short , I have learned that my friends will never love me more than I can love myself. I also see daily that even with areas where I feel insecure , it’s not their job to boost my ego and self esteem about my achievements or lack thereof . How I feel about myself and how I show up to my friends is my absolute responsibility.

As I grow in friendship I am learning to give myself permission that I belong here , and my belonging is not subject to my performance or the lack thereof. I am further learning to look at these voices and giving them less and no power over me and teaching others to do the same:

  • My belonging is not based on the a academic qualification I hold
  • It is not the size of the house nor the surbub I live in
  • It is not the job I hold nor the number of zeros I make
  • The pains of life are not as a result of my sins
  • In other words there is nothing I could have done better to prevent the pain and sadness in my life
  • Miscarriages are not a result of sins committed to God or Gods punishment of sin
  • Divorce is not your fault or an indicator of something doe wrong in the past
  • Retrenchments are not a sign of lack of prayer life
  • Bearing children with disability is not an indicator that I don’t pray or fast enough
  • Staying home to raise my kids is not a sign that I am not ambitious enough
  • Giving birth in csection instead of natural birth is not an indicator of lack of exercise

Friendships can be rewarding as much as they can be brutal. We are human beings and all that we desire is to belong . And at times we sacrifice our growth and self discovery at the risk of this belonging. It is much easier to belong when you all singing the same song and showing up for stuff at the same time. It is much difficult to belong when you must be yourself regardless of the tune and the timing of others , this kind of belonging takes a lot of courage

One example is when I was growing up in friendship, I used to assume that in order to be closer with a person I ought to know how they feel or know their troubles or secrets. I have come to admire this , that in fact , my love for each and every one of my friends now is not based on how much I know about their stuff , but I offer to them an unwavering support and unconditional love that is inspired by Christ. I no longer desire to know their daily struggles in order to emphasize or show up for them.

In fact I have learned that knowing anyone’s stuff is such a huge responsibility. I also know now that I must earn the right to hear their stories and the same goes for them

My love and support for them is not based on their response and actions towards me. But it based on my commitments to see the friendship through .

I am only arriving at this level of maturity because I am learning that I first must belong to myself and only then can I truly show up

So I count myself blessed to have had sisters to pray with , laugh with and shed a tear with over my life. I pray to God to be more intentional in each season to grow and learn more about one another and be there for one another !!!

Inspired

I am inspired by technology and access to tools and resources that enable me to invest in myself. I subscribed to Woman Evolve and it has been such a pleasure to watch some life changing experiences in this app by Sara Jakes Roberts. I am also inspired by @foodies of sa , an online site offering divine South African dishes that are so simple and easy to make . I tried two of dishes this week and my family is so impressed ๐Ÿ˜†

Fun

We have a ๐Ÿ”ฅ/ Boma in our house that we fire up when we have visitors. I decided to give myself a treat this week and I am forever grateful. Preparing the fire with my girls was such a pleasure and finally lying on the sofa with the whole family , listening to music and gazing at the moon and the stars was a bliss.

This was fun and I cannot remember the last time I had such peace of mind and pure joy in my life. It definitely surpassed my own understanding

#tgif

Lesson #6 on Self – doubt

Overcoming self doubt is all about believing that we are enough and letting go of what the world says we are supposed to be other than ourselves.

Self doubt vs humbleness

In my language the two are very closely related and it may seem like a humbling thing to stand but continuously dim your light so that you may not be seen as someone oziphakamisayo , doing so with an intent of not making someone feel small or even out fear of perception

I realize now so many moments when I thought I was being humble kanti I was looking down upon myself, and unintentionally dimming my light so that other people see and feel their light

I realize now that in some areas I have spoken so little about myself that I actually started becoming little in that area …. when I meant to be humble but acquired self doubt . My own words created a small me in those areas.

Could it be that I spoke myself into mediocrity ๐Ÿคญ

I didnโ€™t know this could happen… when misguided good intentions yield bad results

Again let’s go to the beginning….

The gifts of imperfection has been my bible on this lesson too and forced me to think back how I acquired some form of self doubt . I know beyond the shadow of doubt that I am not inherently like this , it’s a feeling and skill set that I acquired along the road of becoming . I wonder if I can completely rid of it so I hope and pray for more awareness when I fall into this pit

I was about six years old when an incident occurred in my family where my sisters brand new school Jersey was cut using a pair of scissors โœ‚๏ธ. This incident was one of the most traumatic experiences to ever have at my young age. I don’t remember what happened with the jersey , all my baby self remembers is that I was protesting that I never did such a thing but I think I spent a lot of my childhood creating this scene in my mind to a point where I didn’t know whether or not I am the one who was holding the scissors and cutting through the jersey.

It all seemed fitting at the time for me to be blamed because it was not my turn to have that new jersey. Even with all my parents hard work and effort , I relied on hand me downs for most of clothes throughout childhood years. …. and so this act could have been out of childish jealousy perhaps ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿฟโ€โ™€๏ธ

Writing about this experience now still makes me wonder what happened because to be quite honest I don’t remember. All I know is that I battled with the feeling of guilt and self doubt about the goodness of my being and I always second guessed myself with almost everything. In fact this incident gave birth to the people pleaser in me . I don’t know whether I desired to please out of remorse and sadness for my behavior or out of pain of false accusations and the need to prove that I am not that person

I know for a fact that to date , I dislike being falsely accused and I worry more than I should of what people think or perceive of me . A need for external validation and reliance on people to validate me was also birthed through this painful experience ….. the desire to be seen as a good person

I have personally observed how self doubt masqueraded extremely with my memory loss experiences. It hit me hard when I realized that there’s a huge chunk of my life that I just don’t remember. To trust myself that my brain is in control and was doing probably doing me good to give me a break , was a huge challenge for me .

Self doubt I think is the mother of low self esteem and the feeling of inferiority. Funny how one can be a courageous person but riddled with self doubt in one body , mind and soul

This is something I have observed amongst many thought leaders that they deal with self doubt almost each and every day of their lives. It’s a continuous battle of ” I know I am good but am I good enough ?”

Thank God for apostle Peter !!! Here is the guy who bursts in confidence and says You are the Christ the son of the living God …..to the man walking with fear and shame and denies the Christ …. he is the same Peter demanding to be called out and yes God honors his faith and the man walks on water …. he is the same man who looked down and just couldn’t believe himself and he sank and the Lord saved him !!

Sometimes I am like Peter … I have a lot of courageous moments in my life and moments I know for sure that , this could only be God. I have the most amazing courage to stand out and call things out , whether it’s work , family life, anything . I am the same person also who has faith and I walk on water baby , Ohw but damn I also struggle with doubting myself and just like him I have sinking moments and yes more than I’d like to

Did I just do that , was it me , am I good enough ? Was that okay , did I do well ?????

Self-doubt is when our fear undermines our faith !! Self doubt undermines our gifts and limits us from sharing them with the world ” Brene Brown ”

What u learn from Peter is to really feel the fear but continue anyway. I wonder what was on his mind when he started to sink ? Was he thinking about his betrayal to Jesus ? Could it be that he thought he didn’t qualify after all that he had done , rejecting Jesus ? Perhaps he was wondering what other people on the boat thought of him now that Jesus who clearly wasn’t bothered about his past was up for the challenge …. it’s possible that all the disappointment he felt in himself clouded his faith and he sank

I think when I feel strong and courageous it’s when I am in complete faith and in complete trust of the one in control , Jesus. When I trust Him that he called me out and said it , girl I walk on water !!!! Ohw Lord but the moment I think of the facts that I don’t qualify , my shortcomings, the poverty, the background , Jesus then I start to sink !!!

The moment I lose sight and think of where I come from and who do I know where I come from has made it or not …. I literally understand how the wheat ๐ŸŒพ thrashing man was feeling …. self doubt and inferiority complex not just about himself but the whole nation …. being black , poor in born in South Africa

So in dealing with self doubt here are the supposed to messages I am surrendering and I am claiming all that I am because I am enough in all who I am ….

– I am kick ass Financial Manager and I have an amazing gift in people management and I am a game changer with my leadership skills…. I start to sink when I think I am supposed to be a proffessional accountant in order to be good at it … truth is I am excellent NOW not tomorrow nor the day after . I am afraid of the negative audit outcome more so the linkages of it to my self worth

– I am great storyteller and writer …. I start to sink when think I am supposed to be an English expert in order to express myself in English

– I am the best chef in my house …. I start to sink when I think have to be an expert in all the gluten free, food content matters etc and that I need professional training to grow and excel in it

– I am the best at being me – yes I don’t know anyone from Warden and yes I might not have a clear example but the truth is there is not a single person on earth like me – I start to sink when I think just because no one has done it then it doesn’t exist …. my dreams are valid my aspirations are valid … I matter I am good enough

Right now , just for me , I want my life and work to be inspiring and to encourage public servants to come alive and see their roles beyond just being employees but game changers and that we all can contribute in disrupting poverty , inequality and unemployment . I want my marriage and friendships to hold a space of meaning for me

I will pursue and persist in this work and life regardless of the audit outcomes that we receive…. these tend to hold so much In defining my worth and today I take my worth back !!! I am good enough regardless of the audit outcome . I will continue to pursue meaning in my marriage and give myself a benefit of a doubt in my mistakes . I will do the same in my friendships and cultivate meaningful friendships and experiences

I am willing to fall down and rise again , I am open to failure and I am letting go of perfectionism and supposed to be , because I realize they all hope or promise a false hope that if I have them I won’t fail , fall or be disappointed or be open to criticism even accusations

When will this end ??

I remember asking myself this question , I was exhausted, had just buckled up my toddler and a few moths old baby in the car seat, I put on my seat belt and started the car . The question came ” did you lock the door.?” I sat there for a moment and I asked when will this end ? I know there’s a lot of people who lock their house doors go to the car only to go back again and check whether or not it has been locked ….by the time you get back to the car you have forgotten whether or not indeed the house door was locked and if you did recheck again… I don’t remember many times when the door wasn’t actually locked but I suffered from this demise

But I know that on that exhausted day , I told myself this was enough . I was never ever again going to second myself the way I had been for so long … I cannot be bouncing between the car and door for such a long time . It’s either I trust myself that I have locked the door and that I trust God to keep safe whatever is inside or either I am willing to part ways with whatever is in that house …. since that precious day I was done with doubting and second guessing myself on whether or not the door was locked !!!!

I trust myself to do right …. regardless

Dear God

I ask that you help me realize what makes me come alive and that each day you will help me make that my priority in serving you on this earth . Because I do believe that this is the only way in which I can truly serve you, when I come alive

Help me believe that I am good enough just the way that I am , not one more kilogram drop in my weight will qualify me for your unconditional love , you love me anyway

Your work in the cross is enough to redeem me , No effort is required from me to earn your salvation , your son Jesus Christ did the work for me

I pray

In you I live and have my being … uplift my view of self Dear Lord I pray

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