TGIF- 28 June

I had a difficult week and I am trusting that my body will reveal to me what is going on. I have been feeling burnt out more than anything but I trust that I will recover . Any suggestions for how to rest and boost your natural energy are welcome 🤮.

Today I am trusting for help in a smarter understanding of what audits in a public service space means. The fact that only 18 out of 257 municipalities in South Africa received a clean audit. The politics linked to it all bother me. I have been in public service and I’m on my sixth year and I have pretty good opinions that I have formed . So I am trusting that what needs to be shall be. I am also trusting that I did my best and my best is good enough 🙏🙏

The quote ” almost everything will again work if you unplug it for a few minutes, even you ” worked like magic for me this week and I am thankful for it.

I am grateful for shared meals with my husband. I am thankful for avocados 🥑 , thankful for a wonderful hairdo that transformed how I feel about myself.

When I was young , there was this advert for a tea brand and they used the whistling kettle and I recently got myself one of those …. the sweet memories and pure joy that fills me when I hear that sound …. pure bliss

I am grateful for Friday posts because as a result I am constantly living each day looking forward to something to be grateful for and I am intentionally making fun part of my life

I am inspired by the series ” Madam Secretary ” I just love how the scenarios allow solutions for a variety of different tasks . I am a big fan of political series and everything and anything in governance and I will be binging on this series for many weeks to come

I baked scones for fun this week and I am getting better at it 😄😄😄😄I also tried a new lavender air freshener for my desk this week . Lavender has calming effect ,something I could really use during this audit season

#TGIF

TGIF 21 June

We began the week on Father’s Day celebration and it was bittersweet for me as I miss my father . I am trusting that with time my pain will heal and I will find comfort in the knowledge that he is no longer in pain and is with the Lord ….. I miss him dearly

I am thankful for my in-laws . Going to Limpopo is always such a beautiful experience for me. I always feel home , if I had a life before, this I know for sure,that this is the place I lived at. I always enjoy bringing fruits and vegetables back to Jozi. This time I saw some type of pumpkin used to cook what we call Isijinga in Zulu. And we came back with lots of avocados. I love taking pictures by the flowers and the most beautiful garden that my in laws have , it refreshes my soul and I am very thankful for these moments. I am thankful for the makoti dresses I wear when I am at my in laws . I take so my pride in these dresses and they are a sign of growing older for me. The patterns are of exceptional quality 👌🏾

I learned from my mother in law that my mother asked for pins . Similar to what I wore on my wedding day. She went on to share that my mother said these pins reminded her of her own mother. I was touched by this and inspired by this act of kindness from my mother in law. I don’t have memories of my grandma because she passed away in her forties. But I cannot wait to see the look on my mother’s face when she gets the pins

Fun was seeing the girls do mud pies and digging in deeper in their creativity. Mud cakes and hot chocolates is what they were serving us on Father’s Day . Leaving the kids with the grandparents gave me and KG time off to go on a date and we did that by going to our favorite restaurant in Sandton . We used to go here as often as we could and it was great to go down memory lane. It’s amazing that we have been together for 10 years now 🙏🙏 it’s been wonderful having pure fun together

  Lesson 5: The lesson that has (still is) taken me the longest to learn:  Letting go of perfectionism

Inspired by Brene Brown “Gifts of Imperfection”

Reading the Gifts of Imperfections has by far been my life saving experience in this world. I am a big fan of Oprah and discovering Brene Brown is just one of the greatest gifts that Super Soul Sunday brought to my life. I read this book via Kindle and Audio and have since done hundreds of hours on it since having access to them.

Cultivating self-compassion and letting go of perfectionism is my favorite of all the topics because it is a lesson that I have struggled with and has been a constant lesson in my life. The one I strongly feel shows itself in many facets of my life. I started reading the book where I was already practicing being kind to myself without even realizing the extent to which I was so harsh on myself or why I truly expected a lot from myself and others. I was a new mother to beautiful girls, adjusting to being a powerhouse at work, making efforts to being a great partner to my husband, a sister and a friend. Every single day, I was eliminating habits, activities that I felt I didn’t need them in my life anymore but I had attached so much value on them that letting go of them seemed like some form of a devaluation or reduction to who I am and my self-worth.

So I love how Dr. Brene Brown puts her definitions on this book and I would like to just paste them on this blog for background.

Perfectionism is NOT the same thing as:

1.       Striving to be your best

2.       Healthy achievement and growth

3.       Self-improvement

Perfectionism says “If we live perfect, look perfect and act perfect we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgement and shame” Perfectionism at its core it’s about earning approval and acceptance.

 

Accepting the truth about these definitions was the hardest part and one of my favorite line from the book is this one “Most perfectionist were raised being praised from performance, grades, manners, rule following, people pleasing’ … Ohw my goodness, I had such a big aha moment when I read this line because this is me . . . .  This is me. It is how I am and how I was raised.

 

 I have an internal people pleasing radar to an extent that I remember being around age 6/7 , I had just taken a bath and it started drizzling outside. I immediately thought it was such a good opportunity for me to play outside and make some delicious mud pies. Unbeknown to me that , that was an unacceptable behavior , I got a belt whipping on my muddy hands and I cried unstoppable…. that day was sadly my last day ever in my life to play with mud

I developed a personality of extreme cleanliness and I was obsessed with staying clean. I washed the dishes and kept our house spotless. I became so good at it to an extent that I started weekend cleaning jobs and got paid for it

All of this began because I was trying to please my brother and to avoid the painful whipping.

All my life I have been described as a good girl and have always find a sense of fulfillment in putting others first even it means a complete forgetfulness about my own existence. There is no greater feeling for me than to hear a well done 👍🏾 good job kind of praise …. it is a language that motivates me and propels me to even more performance

It was not until I was feeling exhausted about my demanding tasks and expectations of myself and others that this book gave me a language and a path to see that whilst being all that has worked , there is more to me than being a people pleaser and striving to tick all the right boxes

I see how being a church girl has elevated perfection to being a standard to earn belonging and to somewhat qualify for certain blessings . For example in the church that I grew up in, righteous living was a must . And so from time to time a church member would confess their sins publicly and repent of their wrongdoing. This practice would become part of my cleansing process as I grew in the church and as life would have me face the imperfect circumstances of the world. …..

Whilst I respected the process, I couldn’t help but feel judgement from it and a sense of “ dropping the standard “ and ultimately being disqualified from earning certain perks

I realize now that there was a point in my life where righteousness was actually self righteousness and not the everlasting grace and loving kindness of Jesus Christ and the work of the cross . So performance became my driving force and through it I definitely was awarded with lots of praise. I also led a life of being able to avoid anything and everyone that shared as a bad life experience and decision making. I later learned in life that I had built resilience for nothing because I led a life of avoidance and not getting my hands dirty

You know that line when someone says “ I’m telling you this so that you don’t make the same mistakes “ that line was everything to me !!! I have now learned that instead of me saying that line , a better one is to share my experiences for one to be aware . …. because sometimes you just can’t prevent people from experiences and life decisions they make

How did the lesson come to me ???

We were home one weekend to discuss a matter of my nieces pregnancy… this was by far amongst my most painful 😣 and tense days of life ever and it was not until that day that I realized how much poverty has affected my whole thought process and decision making in my whole life

There I was , tense and so emotional and yelling at her for thinking I am having it easy . I made sacrifices and l drive my 1999 Toyota model in order to provide financial support to them. I spoke of the dream I had / we all had for them and without any regard for her side of the story and I told her to consider the worst possible decision ever …. and I am glad she never did

—————————————————————

My biggest pain in life has been growing up poor in the dusty streets of Ezenzeleni Township. I grew up knowing that I will do something great with my life but I also made it my life’s mission to make sure that I take my whole family along with me together with my community

I literally used to say it out loud that I don’t want to live in a big house drive a big car but have any of my family members begging on the streets….. sounds perfect right?

I realize now that this intention although pure it was misguided. It was all about me and how people will perceive me and as life and pain would show me many times I had to learn and still learn this everyday that it’s not about me and it shouldn’t be

It didn’t take me long to realize how sad this was for me. How I had placed some of the most critical decisions of my well being on the wellness of others that I care about. I also remember saying to myself “ Mano how dare you place the burden of your life’s decisions on the shoulders of this child, how dare you, she didn’t ask for it , you chose for yourself “

Yes being poor is a terrible thing but this time I had to learn that aborting a child because they didn’t come under the suitable conditions nor perfect timing was not the route to take nor was it my place to decide what happens

The burden will continue but so must life continue. After this realization, I remembered how a few years back I had taken in another niece, made sacrifices and 18 months later we reached a dead end . I mastered the courage to tell her this “ I don’t have the tools to help you, I desire to help you but all that I am doing is to hurt you “ and just like that we parted ways

I recently came across this lesson again , when my other niece “ had it all” . The good school , driving to school and yet I perceived her as not being grateful. I remember the moment my sister said to me “ she is having all the opportunities you wanted and yet …” my lights switched on ….. I remembered my pain as a child and how much I was told I was better than the school I went to and that one day I will go to a better school

And so going to a better school was everything I ever desired as a child …. I was able to not reach out to my niece because I realized this “ I was not ready to hear her story without trying to make her live my dream”

As a result , I only reached out when I was truly able and willing to listen 👂

————————————————————-

From my pain and coupled with good intentions I developed ideas on how to change the world . However when I failed doing so with my nieces I took it personal and when I risked being perceived as the successful lady who never cared about her family I went in hard to try control the situations even if it meant making the worst decisions of my life

This was particularly difficult for me because before these experiences, I had succeeded to achieve 3 student graduates who came from the conditions that are worse off than my nieces and these students were not related to me

I remember asking myself “ how can I succeed at helping strangers but fail at my own family “

 —————————————————————

How am I digging deep ?

I am constantly affirming to myself this …

 

I AM NOT WHAT I ACCOMPLISH

I am constantly aware of my habits to Please, perform, perfect and I am paying attention to the deep fear of failing, making mistakes and disappointing others. I am also opening myself up more to taking risks and welcome the idea of failing at things and to trust that I will rise again

I am finally blogging regularly and avoiding procrastination and over editing my second language. This is so vulnerable for me to do

 

Healthy striving

I affirm to myself first that I am worthy of love, worthy of acceptance. In the past I placed it upon myself to be the aunt who shows up in cash in calls ewallet and solutions . I know now that I am worthy of being an aunt even when I don’t have all of that and so now I can confidently say no to my nieces when I don’t have and say yes only when I can

I have changed my goals to paving a way as opposed to driving and forcing people to see how poor or disadvantaged they are. All I can do is pave and inspire them to take the giant step

I intentionally started drinking coffee at a risk of staining my teeth . I let my wardrobe be disorganized and not neatly packed , I on some days allow myself to go to bed without taking a bath or a shower ,

I stopped fasting every Monday out of compliance and allowed myself to not fast at all for the longest period …..

 

Self-compassion

I pay more attention to my childhood pain and recognize that taking every child to University is a great goal but not the one to heal my pain. I practice self compassion by knowing that every child in my family must dream a bigger dream for themselves and that there is nothing I can do or say to make that dream a reality if they choose not to participate in it for themselves

I practice self forgiveness first and I no longer confess my sins in public anymore for acceptance and repentance. I allow some days to let the dishes not be washed and give myself time to rest

I am now able to schedule cooking days and non cooking days without feeling less of a good wife and parent

I practice saying how I feel when I feel it to allow others to give me space and compassion when I need it the most

I only make grand lunch boxes when I am truly feeling up to it and I make peanut butter and jam without any guilt

I confidently ask for help and I say when I feel tired or insecure 😟

I wear my swimsuit and embrace my body work it’s flaws

I speak positive about my body and I stop shaming myself

I stop comparing myself to what others have achieved

 Common humanity

I accept that we all have our own unique journey and I must be mindful of that

It’s not about me

People face challenges and struggles

I cannot control their destiny

I must allow them to lead their own lives in their own terms

Mindfulness

Showing up is enough and showing up does not always mean giving ewallet and having solutions to every problem

Listening and caring is enough

I invite people to share in my meal and not wait until I have the perfect entertainment place to host them

Dear God

I ask that you will have me remember that your grace is sufficient even for my poverty stricken township. Help me rely on you to serve my community

Not for my own glory but yours alone

Written by

Humbled by failure

TGIF – 14 June

I am trusting that I will be patient with myself to acquire the skill of ” resting”. This week I gave myself permission to ask for 2 days off in order to rest. After six months of hard work I mastered the courage to say I need rest. So I trust that I will learn to be at home next week and be okay. I trust that I will acknowledge that I have an armor and a team and they will be okay too in my absence

I am grateful to my memory for remembering!!!! This means a lot to me because I have been battling a severe memory loss and ability to grasp to anything. I forgot to fetch the report card at the end of the school term and it was such a big deal because it was our very first. Today I remembered and I am thankful

I am inspired by an Instagram account I found named @Thrive. The mission for this organization couldn’t have come at a better time for me as I am on a path to turn my life around. Checkout their mission statement on the picture below . They inform my Trusting decision above for this week . I love it when I find tools and resources that speak directly to my season

I had fun getting these Protea flowers from our local supplier on my way home ….. I have now resolved that I will spoil myself with these whilst I support the guy on the street 🙏

#TGIF

Lesson 4 – Letting go of comparison and cultivating creativity – The title of this lesson has been inspired by the book “The gift of imperfection” by Dr. Brene Brown

Everywhere I look and read, I see posts about running your own race. I must admit that I am amongst those who have reposted these statements and I believe the years 2017 and 2018 were filled with more of these statements about finding my lane and running my own race. . .

The year 2019 posts are more direct and considerate and they speak directly to the avoidance of competing with friends and or family members, they indicate that don’t measure your success based on other people’s success, they talk to pace, they consider background and other factors to consider in running this race.

All of this tells me that, we are all going through it and we are all aware of what is sucking the joy out of our souls and is taking away from the potential beauty of friendships, family relationships and life that we all could be enjoying…. Only if we could take away competition, the need to fit in and belong whilst suffocating the best version of who are meant to me

Disclaimer : I am in no way an expert in this subject but here is what I have learned so far about competition……..

Background

As early as age 13 I was told that the birds of the same feathers flock together, this was always interpreted to me as “keep the right friends, you are assured success”, the right friends also meant right thinking, perception in life and basically avoidance of trouble. And for my generation the biggest trouble was always defined as sin, which basically meant boys and pregnancy which would mean pro-longed extension of poverty and suffering and shattering of dreams . . . at least that was what I heard in church and surrounding neighbors most often.

So I have always committed myself to keeping the “right” crowd and sticking with people who are committed to life as much and even more than I am. In fact even to date, I still hear “show me your friends, I will tell you your future “. . . . . . I still have to explore the extent of this statement further.

This committed to life thing I define as people who share the same values as mine and who have similar belief systems as I do. . . . At least this is what I have come to understand it’s meant by the birds of the same feathers statement.

So in simple terms, the crowd that we keep, informs the kind of people we turn out to be in this world. But what does that mean exactly……?? In my attempt to speak to competition I decided to focus at the mid-life (crushing) season where competition, discontent and ungratefulness most shows itself up the most . . . it is because of this season(mid-life crushing) which I believe occurs to more than 60% of the people on earth, that interested my curiosity.

Does it mean if I keep the crowd that has wealth, I shall acquire or access that wealth too? And at what stage of my life does this apply to? If they are educated I too will be, if they get married, I too shall be married? The list of these questions may go on and on and on … and I have personally had to answer some if not most of these questions.

I was 13 when I gave my life to Christ and made most of my decisions that forms the basis of my value system to date. It was at age 13 that I decided no boyfriend I also intentionally kept the crowd that showed up in class and did well at their grades. Somehow each and every one of us made independent decisions but the wealth of support and rooting for one another was tremendous.

To be honest, when you are raised in a small church community there is limited variety of personalities, unlike with big townships and cities where there are a vast majority of people who think differently. So being extremely different in my church community was something not very common. Instead uniformity was encouraged, to such an extent that we wore similar colors for the majority of the days when attending church services, a pencil skirt in black and a white blouse was our traditional uniform. It was also very common that when girls reached a certain age they get married and start a family. Even in my school environment, I would pay attention to the clothes our teachers were wearing, for example if a specific jacket was a hit in a certain season, one teacher would have it in yellow, another in brown, and another in orange until you see all the colors of the same jacket being won in the same season by most teachers. I definitely think this is where my love for shared values and ideas was born, being in a crowd that does things the same way and consulting with elders for the most of my decisions. In short, this church community provided me with security and a space to belong.

It was a common thing in my church to hear testimonies about the Holy Spirit charging you not to wear trousers. I specifically recall how I made the decision not to wear pants and I also made an intentional decision that I would not testify as it was commonly done, to say that the Lord has said not to wear trousers anymore. To me I just knew that being different would not serve me at that time, nor did I have a need to wear trousers because it was not common in my eyes to see people wearing them. My mom, who is not a member of this church, I had never seen wear trousers to date and so to me this was not an issue.

In church we were also encouraged to find ourselves within the five folds ministry. We were encouraged to sing, testify, preach, act, and do all types of artistic expressions, within the confines of the church environment. Each time we did these activities I felt like myself . . . my true original self-bursting and bubbling out with life . . . . The day I discovered that I am a great orator and that I could recite all of Psalm 137 and many other Psalms with no struggle . . . ohw my goodness I just knew that standing in front of people and serving or edifying them with the word gave me so much joy.

I also have great memories of our days in SUB A- to B (the now Grade 1-2), where we did beautiful artworks made from seeds, bean and maize. I still crave even to date to recreate that beautiful artwork of a gigantic bird on a green board with a red beak.

So it seems to me that whilst being different is something that I was and lived I still craved the approval of my surrounding environment for belonging and even it meant demeaning my own light

Fast forward to 18, I move to Johannesburg to pursue University studies and I meet driven new friends and sisters in Christ. And so the drill goes on, I keep the same type friends and all is well. Now, just like the pace from back home, over here we are driven, we are committed, we performing and are getting rewarded with Diplomas, odd jobs here and there, some boyfriends, marriages etc. etc. I think it once dawned on me that one of the major reasons we are all here is that we “qualified” to be here. So in some form we all had to perform in our grades to get here and the more I listened to each and every one of us, we all had serious ambitions and goals to achieve.

It is at this stage ….University that I quickly realized that life is not a one Way Street where one applies all the rules from the book and the results come out as expected for everyone. I learned by observing closely decisions made by a vast majority of people , some starting a course and turns out they are not in love with it, something I thought was a luxury for those kids at the time and I have come to understand how important it is as I adult 🤷🏿‍♀️. And so the more I saw these outliers the more I was seeking belonging, a place to call home and I am glad I found it . . . . .

And as life would have me be, I too had my most challenging experiences but somehow I managed to handle it with grace. I failed in my 3rd year at university, which meant no graduation on “record time” . . . I had at that stage had a full time job and was able to enroll part time and would graduate a year later. I don’t remember feeling sad over this experience because I always felt like what I got out this was more than a Diploma. I received a wealth of leadership experiences which had set me up for a success that I don’t think I would have had, had it not been for this failure.

I also wonder though on the other side, whether or not my easy handling of my failure was as a result of a friend of mine whom we helped carry this burden together?

How the lesson came to me

It was late 2018 that I received a letter confirming the following “Dear Ms. Nomusa Malatji, this letter hereby confirms that you are now permanently employed by xxxx” before this date I thought I was okay with not having this confirmation. I thought not getting an increase and bonuses was okay because it’s just not my affirmation language….

I realized I was wrong, this confirmation that I was finally permanent meant more to me than what I was willing to admit :

This letter seemed it represented the following:

  • I am finally good enough
  • I am finally skilled enough
  • I am finally worthy of the bonus
  • I am finally worthy of a salary increase

The moment I realized this , I sobbed , not because I’m happy to receive the letter but because I had placed my own worth on the hands and the process behind this letter . I had given my life and taken most of my family time to give to this organization for over five years and all along I felt I received nothing in return with regards to the validation I craved for so much

I woke up …. I am expecting external validation to inform me how to feel about myself 😭😭😭😭my skill and my capabilities

Early in the year 2017 I had started a conversation with my friend about studies . I was telling her how I am feeling insecure about the fact that I have a Diploma. The basis of my insecurity is because everyone( my friends) has post Diploma qualification and I was stuck on this Degree and which I was struggling for years to complete. My darling friend believes that if it bothers me so much I should work hard and get it …. but here’s my concern … I was struggling to get through the idea of wanting something because I want it versus wanting something because my friends have it.

As I did the work on myself I realized that being different is uncomfortable and I accepted that the kind of pressure I was putting myself under was the most unkind thing I could ever and had been doing to myself.

I sat down and I wrote what I call my ” timeline ” of pain , challenges and responsibilities and I tried to compare all of it to my friends ….. this timeline gave me so much context and I realized that all of my friends combined have never experienced what I had experienced. I then concluded that I had no business expecting myself to be or having or pursuing a second or a third qualification for that matter just because I want to say ” look I made it too”

The amount of pressure I was putting on myself was becoming extremely unhealthy especially since I knew that my brain 🧠 had shut down and I was going through a severe memory loss due to trauma and other experiences

I accepted that it’s okay to have healthy pressure and for me this ended when I was age 25. Healthy pressure is when the company around you challenges you to be more to go for more …. unhealthy pressure is when you feel inferior because what you have doesn’t compare to what others around you have . Since I have kids this looks like comparing your toy to what other kids have …. swipe the toy around and you realize the other kid is happy regardless of the kind of the toy they have 🤷🏿‍♀️🤷🏿‍♀️🤷🏿‍♀️

So the problem her is me not the qualification

Anything and everything that I pursue right now should be based on who I am meant to be and not so much what the majority around me are doing …. as we say over here ” that train has left ”

So … not having a second qualification was another experience that made me question my worth . I was fine until I compared myself to what my friended have and I was wrong

My last experience showed up when I invited my friends to view our newly purchased home ….. one evening I found myself pacing up and down looking at every room practicing how I was going to present our beautiful sweat and I could hear myself saying I’m going to show them that we have this big idea on how we are going to change this room , we going to break this and etc etc …. as I was pacing down like that I heard the Holy Spirit loud and clear ” so you are saying this house is not good enough in its current state “???

I stopped 😳

Did another job on self …. why can’t I celebrate the house in its current State ….. how exactly do I feel about the house ??? That evening I spent the night sobbing on my knees and repenting. Again I was feeling insecure because it has become automatic for my generation to buy a certain type and here I was …. again, going for something different and the only reason I felt the need to over explain it’s because mine is different to theirs 🤦🏾‍♀️🤦🏾‍♀️🤦🏾‍♀️🤦🏾‍♀️hhaaa

Don’t get me wrong if I could tell you how we made the decision for our house I swear you would go and buy one right now similar to ours

So that night I made a decision. If I can’t present the house without one single criticism I must cancel the invitation . I would only invite my friends over when I can fully stand in our sweat and be truly joyous

I stood up and the invitation continued and I was so happy , I believed my eyes sparkled with joy , self assurance and contentment

I have learned that I am a tribal person. I enjoy sharing common successes here and there and I find joy in shared joy and experiences . The church formula has had both its ups and downs for me . I have observed young couples falling deep into the hole of expectations, some because they were verbalized and others because they were just observed . There was once a time in church where every young person got married and drove a Merc on their first Sunday to church as a couple. I watched with sadness as those that couldn’t afford collapsed under the pressure .

Sometimes comparison is not direct as I have experienced it . Some days it’s the sad experience when trying to conceive and everyone around you has a baby and there are those telling you , you are not praying enough. It is when you have a child with special needs and somehow that’s measured against your closeness with God or the challenges in marriages and you are told you are not doing this or that enough

We are all a tribe and we desire being seen .

How am I digging deep ??? How have I turned around my situation?

First I made an admission that I am human being with a need to belong . I also admitted to myself that there are specific things I desired and thought I would have achieved by a certain stage , mainly an accounting proffessional qualification.

I also managed to grow up and let that train go and not return

I learned to admit that whilst I was genuinely happy and excited for everyone around I wondered what the meaning of my lack of this proffessional qualification meant

I stopped registering in an effort to belong and I gave my brain 🧠 a year of freedom and recovery

I further realized that I have been selling myself short and looking down on myself

I finally admitted that I had a limiting self belief about myself and that yes I suffered from a low self esteem

I started being open minded that I don’t need to be permanent in a job to be happy. I now admire people who are freelancers and have to remain hopeful that their contracts will be renewed and better yet trust God in the uncertainty

I stopped deferring my happiness …. words like ” I will be happy the day this and that happens ” no longer exist in my vocabulary

I show up to my friends gatherings whether I have cash in the bank or not and when I don’t have , I confidently speak up and say the truth without feeling inferior

I own my stuff with all that it comes with

I open my heart to listen …. with no judgement or an answer to a friend going through divorce a friend who had a miscarriage a friend struggling in marriage and a friend who feels lost and a friend who hates their job or a friend who chooses being single and not be married…

I show kindness to myself and write gratitude journal for all that God has given me …. I make an effort to belong to myself and to find meaning in the little things

I stopped insulting my sweat

I started being more creative and looking inward myself and not external . I started this blog in March 2017 and I started loving interior design and gardening . When I become creative regardless of who is doing it I feel fulfilled and inspired

I opened up in a scary way to a group of strangers about how these experiences have me anxiety and stress…. I held hands and prayed with them

Comparison is a joy stealer and I am intentionally paying attention to myself and I have finally let go of the need to over explain myself. Like when my one friend said ” you are the jealous type ” 🤷🏿‍♀️🤷🏿‍♀️🤷🏿‍♀️🤷🏿‍♀️🤷🏿‍♀️

I know who I am and I am content in who I am

🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏

#TGIF – 7 June

It is a fact that my mid thirties are without a doubt my mid life crushing. The air feels so thin in many days and many times I may feel like I am gasping for air . The Trust journey is for me a whole lot about letting go of the person I am supposed to be . It seems to me that this is my biggest challenge on a daily basis

So there are 3 things that have stuck in my head on how to be open to trust , most importantly to trust God

The first one is a quote ” to be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best , night and day to make you everybody else – means to fight the HARDEST battle which any human being can fight ” I felt like someone truly gets me after seeing this on Ms Huffington’s Instagram page …. to wrestle with the outer world versus the inner world seems to me like a process that ought to happen for me to reach my maximum impact

However this process and this battle is hard , it is very hard

The second quote is about the damages of holding on versus letting go ….. and so I can see that holding on to my ideals , holding on the pain and the past , holding on to the little girl dreamland which no longer serves me is doing more damage to me and the person I am becoming

My third one is a song that my dear sister shared with me , I sang this since Sunday school and it seems that I can relate to it more now because as I grow older I realize all I can do really is to ” Through it all I have learned to trust in Jesus I have learned to trust in God, through it all” . Growing older requires a lot of courage and a lot of trusting that my creator has a purpose for me and each day I must let go in order to open up for all of me

Dear Lord

I surrender my future to you. Teach me how to trust you in the midst of fear and uncertainty

In Jesus name I pray

I am grateful to have served as an MC in the Associates dinner last week. It was such a pivotal moment for me and a revival to my being . I was raised by Evangelists and it had been a while being in a presence of Missionaries and giants who serve the world at such a scale. I’m eternally grateful and I am so hopeful about the future , hopeful about the world and the revival in the belief in the goodness of human beings

I am inspired by this post from Oprah ” Look at how many times you were worried and upset – and now you are here today . You made it , you are going to be okay” I watched this as she read a letter to her younger self and I am inspired to do the same . I have come a long way , a very long dusty rocky muddy clay long way and yes look at me 🙏🙏🙏🤞🏾…. sometimes the little girl in me needs a pat in the back …. it’s okay to take a moment to say well done to myself 👌🏾

Fun was spending time with my best friend at MzansiBride fitting corsets with the assistance of four women 🤣🤣🤣🤣 . Doing decor for my girls bedroom was fun and I am excited to see my creative side coming alive 😀

#TGIF