I struggled with insecurity in my academic life … to date on some days I feel stronger and some days …. yep some days I just feel 🤦🏾♀️🤦🏾♀️
I never thought I would one day be writing about this but here I am ….
The subject matter is one I used to hear a lot from various people in church , at work and many other social gatherings . My view of life at the time was about trying to lead life as good , as accurate and as perfect as I possibly could …. but that has not been the case and I am now learning that truly God does have a bigger dream for my life , one that is bigger than the one I dream for myself …. I used to judge anybody who got to this stage as I felt somewhat one is reaping from what they sowed.
Talk about absolute surrender … now and absolute repentance … I was wrong
To make sense of it all we have to go to the beginning. I have always been an A student something that I look back with so much pride , especially because now I know clearly that it was and always a pure gift from God. The time is 2007 and I am doing my Standard 7, I have turned 14 years of age and I am killing it in my subjects .
We had just been introduced to a young passionate accounting teacher whom we charmingly called MJ ( when me and my friends were giggling with gossip and imitating what his colleagues were calling him ). He summoned me to the staff room where I found him with Ms S our Maths teacher …we took a walk towards the veranda leading to reception area. I could tell that the two of them had been talking about me and as soon as he gave me my results I became very curious on where this conversation was going to go.
Ms S gave him my Maths script and the words that came out of her mouth were ” It’s a survival of the fittest ” I will never forget those words , but I had no idea what they meant at that time
MJ proceeded to share with me that I should consider becoming a Chartered Accountant because , one I was very good in Accounting and Maths and two the demand for black Chartered Accountants in South Africa was high…This is basically how the seed was planted
It wasn’t long after that , that I learned that the environment within which I was , was setting me up short. Firstly I needed 4 x High Grade modules to qualify for an entry at a University and our school only offered 2 High Grade modules
Long story short I am not a Chartered Accountant and I struggled for the longest time to identify this as my dream but I struggled even more to accept that I will ( still tempted to type might ) never be one …. and so in search to find answers it has called me to writing , praying , reflecting and at times even sobbing about it …..
What is my WHY ?
My why is and has always been ACCESS
At the age of 6 right after my mother told me I was finally going to the school . All that I saw was a transformation of my family , my community and my country
I truly desired , from the bottom of my heart to be of service, with all that I am and all that I have .
So the idea of being a CA was always about access to cash , access to resources and all that it comes with. However I realized that I have been caught up in this idea that I neglected realizing how much ACCESS I have had and I just wasn’t seeing it because it does not give me a CASA at the end of my name ….
How did the lesson come to me ?
It’s 2018 and I receive my salary, in it I realize that there’s a significant increase and I learned that I had finally paid my student loan
I instantly felt like the Holy Spirit was asking me ” who told you that you are not good enough ” since when did such an amount of money mean nothing , no value to you whatsoever. When did the value of the knowledge that you studied for so hard and sacrificed for and took as long as you could paying it back , when did it become null and void to you ?????
There are 13 years between the date of my graduation to the date that I paid off the loan …. a lot of life has happened in between and I felt a little bit sad that I had IT all along , but I couldn’t fully appreciate it because the circumstances seemed imperfect to my eyes
This moment around my student loan was a las straw on top of many incidents that I was having about feeling inferior….. being a powerhouse but not good enough. Given power and authority but feeling not qualified enough . Given the grace to excel , clearly accessing influential spaces but secretly feeling insecure 😟 Access to cash , resources and all but still 🤷🏿♀️
The context of this lesson for me has been as follows :
Do not lose focus on the goal post . I must open my eyes and see that I have achieved the ACCESS, even though it’s not in the mode of transport or wrapper that I expected it to be …. but Ohw my goodness the Lord has been good to me and I ought to say thank you
Be grateful be thankful
So I ought to be flexible in reaching my goals . I must not be too rigid. Access might not look like how I expected it to be , but I must have grace to see it when I have achieved it and move on
Most of all I ought to be kind to myself , because the best is yet to come . God will meet me in my purest heart and my purest intention
I didn’t know how much courage it requires for me to finally fully believe in myself and to know that God has always been in control …..