#TGIF

I am joining the movement of the #TGIF

I am trusting that all will be well . I am still very young in the control , certainty , letting go journey and today I trust that God’s got me . I want to trust that my letting go is not a sign of laziness , being irresponsible , not being considerate or ungrateful. I trust that it will be well with . I trust that ensuring that the gifts I have and purpose I am made for is actually sustainable and lives longer rather than pleasing , being exhausted and depressed . So using a quote from the Bible , I trust that perhaps this is the moment for which I was created … and God’s got me … not by might …

I am so grateful for the success of submitting our reports on time . Work is till a very big part of my tick box giving me a sense of achievement. Furthermore the type of progress we make is one that feels specially important for my organization . Eternally grateful for a new Cabinet also

I am inspired by the T.D. Jakes book Crushing ….. turning pressure into power. Somehow I can finally see that what didn’t kill me made me stronger

I joined my colleagues in a good laugh 😆 about this whole stressful period …. I felt goosebumps and I laughed so hard from my belly …. I am once again a student in foreboding joy and I am glad I had lots of fun today … good spontaneous fun … I said yes to MC an Associates dinner tomorrow and I know this will be fun and will fill up my cup … I have been turning down most invitations to speak or MC for the past ten years… this is going to be fun 🙏

#TGIF

Still burning my tits

Believe it or not I am still cooking for my family

Have haven’t had a chance to post much but are some of my divine dishes over the past few months

Breakfast and cookies

Ribs tummy ribs

Greesy sandwiches 😆

Best scones so far could use a bit of fluffy ness but I tried

And we bought some pots 👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿I cant believe I have been the same pots since varsity days 🤔🤔🤔

Hart matters neh

Lead me

Dear God

I am ready to go to the unknown

I am happy to not settle for safe

I am open to be led by you to the unknown

I hear your call

This is me picking up. Speak dear God for your servant is listening

Signed

Untangling

Lesson 3: Open Heart

Dear God , I am open to the bigger dream that which you have for me …

Being flexible with my goals remains a constant journey of self-reflection and I am certain that my success or failures are directly linked to how flexible I will be from henceforth.

I must confess, flexibility is not one of my biggest strength, especially when it comes to my personal life.

I am dashboard, vision board, and post and pictures on the wall kind of a girl. I find satisfaction in drafting a clear path on how to achieve that which is written on the board. I am exceptionally good with setting up a “what if scenario “and creating preventive measures on how to overcome any unforeseen occurrences along the way. I am a process flow person, detection and controls type of a person. And so being aware that my ability to flex my options could ultimately make or break me, is an awakening all by itself. I also run two parallel systems in my life, I am very flexible, innovative and game changer in my work life, yet I desire full certainty and take less risks in my private life. A dichotomy that helps me balance myself and find a soft cushy soft spot for myself. … and I must admit, it’s not always the best and I must acquire new skills set to live in this planet earth. A character I have found consistent in many people whom I have labeled as external serving souls, basically people who are called to serve others, pastors and motivational speakers fall into this category for me.

So I have been reading a book recently and I don’t recall ever hearing anyone discussing about life and goals so clearly until I read and watched Ms. Michelle Obama book interviews Becoming. In her interview with Oprah she refers to the question asked so often to most kids, which is “what do you want to be when you grow up”… I remember in Standard 9 (grade 11) being asked this question and I don’t remember what my response was

Ms. Michelle Obama says this question gives an impression that “Growing up is finite. As if you become something and that is all there is,” she continues to say about herself “But the truth is, for me, each decade has offered something amazing that I would never have imagined. And if I had stopped looking, I would have missed out on so much. So I’m still becoming, and this is the story of my journey. Hopefully, it will spark conversations, especially among young people, about their journeys.” Ms Michelle Obama

Coming back to my own reflection. I realise now that becoming a CA SA was just a mode of transportation that I desired to reach my destination. However I reached my destination without it but failed to realise that. As such, I failed to maximise the destination with all that it has to offer, because I was so fixated on the mode of transportation and many other factors I deemed as not being ideal.

So now that I have turned my mind from this perception, I find myself being aware of how much has been graciously given unto me. So now I no longer feel insecure (should not) in my skills set, even on the days when I do, it is much easier now to encourage myself whilst I pursue other professional qualifications.

Finally, I can never judge Jonah for going to Tarshish. You see Tarshish is a predictable place, Jonah 1: 3

– Going down to the Port of Joppa – this is something he knew , he could see , feel and touch and predict the destination

– He found a ship leaving – there is no uncertainty about this – it’s a moving ship, Jonah had probably been on this ship many times – tried and tested – how many of us love ideas and things that have been tried and tested?

– He bought a ticket and went on board – he could control the cost of this journey, the price to pay , well calculated to his destination – Lord have mercy , I basically consider it being so irresponsible not to know these things upfront, wrong again, isn’t funny how life doesn’t work like this? You have got to be willing to step on the red sea with the hope that when your foot touches the tip of the water, dry land will be provided

– Hoping to escape from the Lord by sailing to Tarshish

The day I realised how much this part of my journey was like that of Jonah , that’s the day I accepted that being called to an unknown, sometimes a path where you have to set a trend is very scary. A path where you have to be the voice in the wilderness, stand out and shout, it is not always a very encouraging place to be. So I would rather bite my teeth in a ship, sleep through in a raging storm, sit in the fish belly for nights, but I will dare not walk into the unknown.

Being called to take the journey but in a completely different approach is scary

I also realised how much having control over my destiny was my obsession. It’s easier to manoeuvre life with predictability, knowing upfront the price to pay and having some degree of certainty about the future. It certainly would have been great getting those grades, that degree completing those articles and vouula!!!! But I also wonder, how much of this would have made me a self – righteous over achiever, self – reliant God loving fearing powerful woman who thinks she made it all by herself?

I truly wonder

So in hindsight, I appreciate that things have turned out the way they have. I am grateful, not only am I uncertain about my future, I am now more reliant on the one who created and holds the future and that sounds much better than anything I could ever ask for in the world. It served me not to get my degree and failing over and over the past 13 years. It has been for my good to fail over and over the attempted CIMA qualifications. It truly has stretched my understanding and has deeply humbled me because I can never judge all the hard working striving children of God who fail and fail but keep trying over and over again.

Being flexible for me now, means trusting God that He will complete that which He has started and I know He always does !!

Dear God,

Not my will but your will be done, in Jesus name we pray, amen

Signed,

Open Heart

Lesson 2 – Being flexible with my goals

I struggled with insecurity in my academic life … to date on some days I feel stronger and some days …. yep some days I just feel 🤦🏾‍♀️🤦🏾‍♀️

I never thought I would one day be writing about this but here I am ….

The subject matter is one I used to hear a lot from various people in church , at work and many other social gatherings . My view of life at the time was about trying to lead life as good , as accurate and as perfect as I possibly could …. but that has not been the case and I am now learning that truly God does have a bigger dream for my life , one that is bigger than the one I dream for myself …. I used to judge anybody who got to this stage as I felt somewhat one is reaping from what they sowed.

Talk about absolute surrender … now and absolute repentance … I was wrong

To make sense of it all we have to go to the beginning. I have always been an A student something that I look back with so much pride , especially because now I know clearly that it was and always a pure gift from God. The time is 2007 and I am doing my Standard 7, I have turned 14 years of age and I am killing it in my subjects .

We had just been introduced to a young passionate accounting teacher whom we charmingly called MJ ( when me and my friends were giggling with gossip and imitating what his colleagues were calling him ). He summoned me to the staff room where I found him with Ms S our Maths teacher …we took a walk towards the veranda leading to reception area. I could tell that the two of them had been talking about me and as soon as he gave me my results I became very curious on where this conversation was going to go.

Ms S gave him my Maths script and the words that came out of her mouth were ” It’s a survival of the fittest ” I will never forget those words , but I had no idea what they meant at that time

MJ proceeded to share with me that I should consider becoming a Chartered Accountant because , one I was very good in Accounting and Maths and two the demand for black Chartered Accountants in South Africa was high…This is basically how the seed was planted

It wasn’t long after that , that I learned that the environment within which I was , was setting me up short. Firstly I needed 4 x High Grade modules to qualify for an entry at a University and our school only offered 2 High Grade modules

Long story short I am not a Chartered Accountant and I struggled for the longest time to identify this as my dream but I struggled even more to accept that I will ( still tempted to type might ) never be one …. and so in search to find answers it has called me to writing , praying , reflecting and at times even sobbing about it …..

What is my WHY ?

My why is and has always been ACCESS

At the age of 6 right after my mother told me I was finally going to the school . All that I saw was a transformation of my family , my community and my country

I truly desired , from the bottom of my heart to be of service, with all that I am and all that I have .

So the idea of being a CA was always about access to cash , access to resources and all that it comes with. However I realized that I have been caught up in this idea that I neglected realizing how much ACCESS I have had and I just wasn’t seeing it because it does not give me a CASA at the end of my name ….

How did the lesson come to me ?

It’s 2018 and I receive my salary, in it I realize that there’s a significant increase and I learned that I had finally paid my student loan

I instantly felt like the Holy Spirit was asking me ” who told you that you are not good enough ” since when did such an amount of money mean nothing , no value to you whatsoever. When did the value of the knowledge that you studied for so hard and sacrificed for and took as long as you could paying it back , when did it become null and void to you ?????

There are 13 years between the date of my graduation to the date that I paid off the loan …. a lot of life has happened in between and I felt a little bit sad that I had IT all along , but I couldn’t fully appreciate it because the circumstances seemed imperfect to my eyes

This moment around my student loan was a las straw on top of many incidents that I was having about feeling inferior….. being a powerhouse but not good enough. Given power and authority but feeling not qualified enough . Given the grace to excel , clearly accessing influential spaces but secretly feeling insecure 😟 Access to cash , resources and all but still 🤷🏿‍♀️

The context of this lesson for me has been as follows :

Do not lose focus on the goal post . I must open my eyes and see that I have achieved the ACCESS, even though it’s not in the mode of transport or wrapper that I expected it to be …. but Ohw my goodness the Lord has been good to me and I ought to say thank you

Be grateful be thankful

So I ought to be flexible in reaching my goals . I must not be too rigid. Access might not look like how I expected it to be , but I must have grace to see it when I have achieved it and move on

Most of all I ought to be kind to myself , because the best is yet to come . God will meet me in my purest heart and my purest intention

I didn’t know how much courage it requires for me to finally fully believe in myself and to know that God has always been in control …..