The pain of dreaming 

I’m writing my tax exam today, I am not prepared. I keep asking myself how did I get here?

How did I arrive at a point of my life , where life is so busy so demanding and that my brain cannot absorb such a simple subject content 

It clicked to me last week , that I am writing today. Between work and raising kids, I couldn’t find or make the time to study. I am sad I m dissatisfied I am disappointed. My level of anxiety is so high that I am physically sick, I have been having terrible nausea this entire week, I want to vomit 🤢 and I having constant headaches 

It seems like a common thing now that every time around my exams I get very sick. The stress of not being prepared and the inability of my brain to keep any information in is tiresome. The pain below my left breast is unbearable 

I long to finish my degree when all is said and done I want to qualify as a CGMA

Right now it doesn’t feel like I’m even closer . Right now all I can think of is the pain in my chest. It feels like I’m suffocating. I feel depressed. I know the sun will shine again, but the pain of the process is bad

What I must learn and should learn is that I’m not the same girl anymore. I cannot expect my brain to absorb the content that I should have taken in over three months in two days. It doesn’t work hence I’m having a mental shut down

I need to get on the business of being serious about my studies if u am going to get anywhere with them
Sulking won’t help excuses won’t get me the degree 

I have already taken a break and yes perfect moments don’t seem to exist for me

I have make life happen through loss through pregnancies , raising kids , work and traveling 

Someday I will look back to this day to this pain and know that I suffered through it all but I made it 

I will cross this river

No matter the cost 

So , dear taxation, sorry I couldn’t prepare for you. I have two more exams to go , I promise myself that I will do whatever necessary to prepare myself and to pass. I am already writing three supplements for these , thanks to Unisa for auditing the results. I know deep down that with the initial results I wasn’t going to register 

So mentally it has taken a lot for me to be in this parking lot 

I have a dream

I have lived through the words that maybe God doesn’t want me to have this degree. What if God is calling me to do something else. People have seen the glory and the light of God over my life and they decided that education doesn’t go with that glory. Some I know they don’t know any better. But I do believe in education and as I have always said, God has my number and if He wants me to do something else , He will call me and let me know . Even if I were to be president, I’d like to be an educated one ☝️ 

In the meantime, I’m going to get me some degree 

No shortcuts for me, I may fail today, literally, I don’t remember a single thing I studied and this is something that has been happening this year. But you know what, I will manage my stresses and forward I will go!!!

The dream is calling , I just got to go🙏🙏🙏🙏

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