Taxation exam 

The exam was easy as always, but I couldn’t express myself with the degree within which I was expected to . There’s a full 18 marks question that I could not attempt because I didn’t know what was required. Talk about going to an exam room with so much ambition or is it my “ showing up” principle 🤷🏿‍♀️🤷🏿‍♀️🤷🏿‍♀️🤷🏿‍♀️aykhona 

Very glad to have attended the marathon revision because I recalled what was practiced there

Taxable Income was so easy only if I could remember the rules and applicable sections I would have aced it

Provisional tax was easy only if could remember the formula for buildings and allowances to purchase before or after 01 October 2001

Tax liability was easy only if I could remember the allowances and rules to turnover tax

No need to cry over spilled milk 

I need to gear up for my next paper 📝 
Forward I go

Backwards never 

I’m now preparing for my next exam , I must take courage to know that it’s not the end of the world 

I will finish this degree, one module at a time 

The pain of dreaming 

I’m writing my tax exam today, I am not prepared. I keep asking myself how did I get here?

How did I arrive at a point of my life , where life is so busy so demanding and that my brain cannot absorb such a simple subject content 

It clicked to me last week , that I am writing today. Between work and raising kids, I couldn’t find or make the time to study. I am sad I m dissatisfied I am disappointed. My level of anxiety is so high that I am physically sick, I have been having terrible nausea this entire week, I want to vomit 🤢 and I having constant headaches 

It seems like a common thing now that every time around my exams I get very sick. The stress of not being prepared and the inability of my brain to keep any information in is tiresome. The pain below my left breast is unbearable 

I long to finish my degree when all is said and done I want to qualify as a CGMA

Right now it doesn’t feel like I’m even closer . Right now all I can think of is the pain in my chest. It feels like I’m suffocating. I feel depressed. I know the sun will shine again, but the pain of the process is bad

What I must learn and should learn is that I’m not the same girl anymore. I cannot expect my brain to absorb the content that I should have taken in over three months in two days. It doesn’t work hence I’m having a mental shut down

I need to get on the business of being serious about my studies if u am going to get anywhere with them
Sulking won’t help excuses won’t get me the degree 

I have already taken a break and yes perfect moments don’t seem to exist for me

I have make life happen through loss through pregnancies , raising kids , work and traveling 

Someday I will look back to this day to this pain and know that I suffered through it all but I made it 

I will cross this river

No matter the cost 

So , dear taxation, sorry I couldn’t prepare for you. I have two more exams to go , I promise myself that I will do whatever necessary to prepare myself and to pass. I am already writing three supplements for these , thanks to Unisa for auditing the results. I know deep down that with the initial results I wasn’t going to register 

So mentally it has taken a lot for me to be in this parking lot 

I have a dream

I have lived through the words that maybe God doesn’t want me to have this degree. What if God is calling me to do something else. People have seen the glory and the light of God over my life and they decided that education doesn’t go with that glory. Some I know they don’t know any better. But I do believe in education and as I have always said, God has my number and if He wants me to do something else , He will call me and let me know . Even if I were to be president, I’d like to be an educated one ☝️ 

In the meantime, I’m going to get me some degree 

No shortcuts for me, I may fail today, literally, I don’t remember a single thing I studied and this is something that has been happening this year. But you know what, I will manage my stresses and forward I will go!!!

The dream is calling , I just got to go🙏🙏🙏🙏

Reflecting on my day

Today I observed a challenge I face almost daily 

Memory loss

I want to connect this thought today with what Oprah says, that we all need validation. We all need someone to say I hear you I see you and you are doing okay . Affirmation and validation are very key human needs

So back to memory loss. I find that I will have a conversation with  colleague 1 , agree on something then fast forward to a different meeting with the same colleague 1 plus other colleagues 2 and 3, the same matter will come , which myself and colleague 1 discussed. Colleague 1 will back out or forget that we discussed and agreed on the matter

I find that this happens a lot amongst colleagues, both supervisors and managers. I’d like to view this as not a good sign of character but I’m learning that i have to adjust. 

I also observed that this is more prevalent to male colleagues than female colleagues. This scenario is not the one where I’d be looking for points or where I came up with an idea and seeking affirmation.This would be just acknowledging that the matter was part of a formal discussion in a previous or different meeting 

That meeting might have been a different level but referring to it would assist share that meetings thought process 

And so I had made a resolution that I will never use the line “ remember we spoke about it on this day and the resolution was 1..2..3” or say so and so told me about it…. or remember I told you about this the other day.., it makes people uncomfortable.,, I don’t know why🤷🏿‍♀️

Today I forgot, I thought since that was discussed in depth , everyone should remember. … It was a formal discussion…. a very critical matter … even the minutes had it…suddenly no one came forth to back me. … only the minutes…My heart sank , I think I tried too hard to have everyone acknowledge that it was discussed. .. were people afraid of owning it ? Or were they now of a different view? And do they understand that’s it’s okay to change your opinion about something??

It really took a while for my lightbulb to come up and say hey it’s one of those things …..let it go… and so we started all over again, even going as far as getting the files that we all went through 🙆🏾🙆🏾🙆🏾in the previous meeting…

I thought I’d suffered memory loss but this is something else 

This is such a new thing to me. In my early years of work, my mentors instilled in me to remember critical conversations because it’s the little ideas , thoughts that change things around. My mentors never liked repeating things as it’s was seen as being inefficient. So I lived like that 

But my environment is different, I cannot say to my boss , hey remember we spoke about it or remember the resolution of the management committee etc

Things are discussed as “ New” almost all the time 

I don’t know but it not the best way of running the entity 

I’m always willing to say listen I have changed my mind from the thought process, I struggle to treat an item as New or act like I don’t know anything or never heard about it before, especially if it’s the same crowd that was there previously and worse if it was formal 
Nonetheless I must be open to understand what’s happening under the surface 

I’m here to serve

I’m here to learn 

Thank Goodness for minute taking by it’s not all our meetings that are being captured..,, maybe that’s what is causing this inefficiency 

Speaking while female 

It is very easy to assume that now that we have the freedom as female this means the world is open and ready for us

My experience with the entity has been on the shocking side

Just today at a training, I solved a problem that was tackled in a group format, one of my colleagues uttered the words to himself “ why am I being so stupid “ I told him that this was a finance problem something that is natural for me to solve , I went further to say , he should take heart because he would probably destroy me in communication an area of his expertise…. his next response was ….”” I hate losing to a woman “

😳😳😳😳😳😳whaaat?

My system was shocked and I really hung tight to my horses , I heard myself say well no need to be sexist about it, times have changed 🤷🏿‍♀️🤷🏿‍♀️🤷🏿‍♀️he still continued uttering the same statement until the facilitator , who is by the way very senior and already on his retirement, he said you heard times have changed

This scenario may not be easily believable by someone. I myself would have thought perhaps I’m not giving someone the benefit of the doubt

Truth is , it happened. I took some time for the longest time to reflect on what my entity had to offer when coming to gender equality and dispelling the stereotype. I coined an expression that laws are made but people are not trained or taken through what this means for their day to day life

My boss believes the previous government got “ it” right. He says women were not meant to work. So by virtue of paying men more cash it allowed the women to care for children, a function which is natural and to which women are more equipped with. A work environment in his view is not suitable to a woman… and no wonder I struggle to follow his leadership at times and these are some reasons why at every turn he makes me feel inadequate…. he genuinely doesn’t believe that I’m capable.. And continue to verbally say his view about my limitations without proposing a solution…….

The perception that women lead with emotions therefore there’s nothing that can get done

A further stereotype that certain jobs like debt collection are more suited for women because they are patient. Whilst there may be truth in  some of these , my question is when are we going to start implementing the changes and starting to teach men that they can be good debt collectors. When will we say men need to learn being patient. In fact when do we stop taking “ husband “ characters to work ??

Anyway, in 2015, I announced to my then boss that I was pregnant. A CFO post was vacant and I had applied . After telling him he responded by asking if this baby was planned 😳😳…. I have thought a lot about this and I don’t know if this question would have been justified if I wasn’t married??? I don’t think so

The thing is if I was a man , such a question wouldn’t exist. Anyway I proceeded to tell him that I had decided not to proceed with my consideration for the post and that he must further advise the panel that I have withdrawn. I had put in a lot of thought into it and I knew I wasn’t ready

My boss had completely forgotten that the very same critical post had already taken a year before they could even advertise it. So I was wondering, was I supposed to stop my family life for a position???

Our government has done some great laws and put in good policies to advance the woman. But the environment is not conducive for the process

The men , no matter how young, are still old school thinkers who cannot separate their wives from their colleagues. I observed that when I speak to my supervisors in work stuff, if there’s something he doesn’t agree to, he refers the conversation or experiences to that of how he solved it with his wife. Meanwhile I’d be standing there thinking, how does the wife come in here??? There’s not a single conversation or business decision that I have or taken whilst I’m looking at my male colleague and think to myself, okay that’s so stubborn, sounds about just what my husband would say … noooo I never do that

So I believe my male colleagues are not able to separate the two spheres . Life at home being a husband and life at work being a supervisor and colleague. Especially if a man is in a position of power

I look at my life and I realize that I have been spoiled

From a very young age my brothers affirmed me, my father affirmed me. My fellow SCO brothers affirmed me. All men in my life have worshiped my ground. They always laid a red carpet for me to waltz. From my very first boss, he gave me the tools, trained me and never once made me feel that I depend on him to make it. My second boss, sat me down and told me on my last day , how special I am, my third bosses they put me on a pedestal, my former CEO gave me his role to chair the staff meetings and give him feedback. My bosses recalled every small conversations I had with them, in meetings they were quick to tell everyone that it was my idea that brought this and that… they affirmed me, promoted me, spoke Life to me!!! The best thing is, they were young. My first boss was below 40 second one turned 40 whilst I was there , third ones were 31 and 35 all young yet matured transformed and powerful

I have been trying to understand if what I’m dealing with is lack of exposure? I’m comparing private to public sector… could this be a reflection of what public service men work like?
My current boss is 4 years older than me. I’m shocked that he can take my idea to make it his during presentation, shocked that he’s unable to recall conversation of critical nature, unable to say yes you told me that , shocked that he’s not able to have difficult conversations…… the view of his leadership and exposure is something I’m still adjusting to

I don’t know what to attribute this to. I’m still learning and discovering

In private sector I was encouraged to lift my hand up always 😂😂😂over here I’m told I’m making noise, I’m too aggressive. It’s as if the men around here are the only ones entitled to come up with concrete stuff

I can’t help but feel like I’m being treated like a wife. I’m traditional and I love my wifely duties but I’m sorry not here … I’m here to work

SS was right, when a girl tried to lead she’s often labeled as being bossy

I have observed how even in audit committee meeting a woman will present and become a meal yet a man will even come short late or half prepared and yet he will not be kept to account . Some principles are important only when applied to women and suddenly a secret private code arises when it’s a man

Men are expected to be assertive and women communial

It can’t be. I must pave a way for my girls 🙏🙏🙏🙏

Stress management tools

This is what I pasted on my desk and on my right hand side wall
The intention is to help me take things slowly. I’d like to change how my work life has been for the past 12 years
I’d like to change especially my current work life. I want to relate get to know my colleagues, take lunch, have little conversations no matter how silly they are, I want to join in on the jokes. I’m not saying I’m looking for normal, in fact I don’t know what normal looks like or feel like for me 
What I desire is the ability of being at work without feeling like the entire world is on my shoulders. I want to give myself the freedom of leading the lifestyle I desire. I want to pace myself to accept that changing the entity and ultimately the country is not an overnight process 
The permission to accept that if work couldn’t be done between the eight hours dedicated it’s okay to deferr it the next day, it’s okay to ask for help ten times from my boss even though he continues to make me feel bad for not being able to execute all of the tasks

So I have been trying this for a month now and I’m glad I did….

So proud that I’m trying to keep my word to my husband, I have been picking up his calls and I have been calling him. Not doing the 5 minutes outside my lunch time because I’m ridiculously feeling it’s the employer time and I quickly ask him to wait for my call , the fact of the matter is I’m trying. So proud that I put this on my own  because my relationship with him is important 
Devotion – I will during the morning drive for devotion, daily

Exercise – I have committed myself to a 30 minute 

Relate- to my husband and colleagues. I realized that I have never been to a social event organized by the entity, this due always having a month end year end or audits deadlines. This stops right here right now 

Taking a minute to myself to eat has always felt like committing a sin , running around completing tasks, opening the door to help someone. Going into meetings that are done on the spot has been part of my life here. Whilst doing and helping gives me the greatest rush and great feeling, it’s costing me my well being. It stops right here 

Breathe – I have learned to breathe, from the gym exercises I breathe a looot!!!

These are the starting points into leading a healthy life

Cooking 

Had a bit of a break from cooking 

We had one week with no electricity then one week on a vacation 
I missed my kitchen 

I also bought new trays …. we use a lot of trays in this house. I’m still hoping and waiting for that house with a dining table plus the kitchen island to serve my food 
In the interim I continue to serve … creating experiences doesn’t need perfect moments or perfect settings. I must live life to the fullest nonetheless