How has that been going ????

I believe that God answers my prayers

One way I know that is how by reading through a blog , an article, the word, I find my answer, I get direction to know what I am supposed to do and once in a while how to do it

So I am always open to receiving and I have the assurance that frustrattions don’t last forever. TD Jakes once preached a message that your greatest frustration is your biggest ministry. Lessons that bring us to our knees are the ones we are called to teach on, how else can I touch the world if I’m not authenticated in the process myself 

One person that is ministering to me is Iyanla. There is this statement she puts across when doing her work on her show, she asks , how has that been going for you ? And usually whatever the person was doing in response to their situation hasn’t been helping , which is why they end up on her show after all 

So lately this question pops up everywhere, especially when I’m trying to avoid the difficult conversations , the difficult situations which require vulnerability and all….. the small voice will whisper …. how is that going so far ??? This is how I know I’m being called to a higher ground

I’m being called to a higher ground at my work place , in my friendships and my marriage

What is it that I have been doing and hasn’t been working …. so am I going to stick to it knowing the bad outcomes it has or am I willing to change and open myself up for growth and miracles ???

 I believe a wise men once said a fool is someone who does the same thing over and over yet expecting different results….

How has that being going for you and are you willing to do all that is necessary to change it ….. or at least try???

This is my journey of discovery 

Learning to let go

Every parent hears a story of how important it is to let go , learn to let go and allow your kids to be on their own. This is said to prepare you for life after matric and many more life experiences ahead where one will be forced to part with the kids.

This is also supposed to help the kids become more independent and sort of prepare them for life away mommy and papa 

So today we let our babies go to grannies in Limpopo. Our oldest is 3 years and young one is 19 months. The only time we were away with either of them was …. never 😜

One elder once visited granny for a few weeks and that’s all…

I come from a traditional family where the importance of allowing in laws have acces to the kids is of outmost importance. There are five older siblings who are married and I have seen how happy it makes my mother to spend time with her grandkids. So I walked into marriage more than prepared for this separation 

My husband on the other side is from a slightly different environment and separation from his kids is something that he wouldn’t dream of… other factors are that unlike my mother who is at home , his mom is a full time pastor and has quite some responsibility on her shoulders. This then makes it even more reasonable that we have never had our kids visit without us….

So through raising these wonderful beings we have spent all our weekends with them and we love every moment of it. This also means we have come to be so attached in so many ways that living without them is like oxygen being sucked out of ourselves..

We are such a great team when coming to parenthood. We have a helper who comes in from Monday and leaves every Friday, which gives us weekends to discover one another and grow together.

So when our helper got ill, we both agreed that giving her some time off will be beneficial for her and that having granny over is such a natural way and we were both happy. Few days in, hubby had thought long and hard about letting the kids go over to grannies….

Part of growing up is making the good decisions which in turn mean growing through pain

Knowing how much it took for him to get to this thought , I couldn’t but just be so proud of him. Without hesitation I said yes!! We immediately started dreaming about how our days would be, going to the cinema , reminiscing about our good old days before parenthood came …. 

We have kept quite a good commitment to date nights and have managed at least two each month with phenomenal consistency from January 2016, however the thrill of going to a date night with nobody saying ….. do you think the kids are still up…. sounds like a great idea

Towards preparing our minds for this separation, we fluctuated from sadness , happiness, excitement and sometimes just numbness and silence. Hubby was happy that he had already committed to granny about this visit because he realized that if that hadn’t happened, he would have easily changed his mind and the whole plan 

Still I was very proud of him for this effort

So today was the day

I had all the bags ready and kids bathed and fed. I didn’t know how I was going to handle the emotion let alone what kind of emotion to expect… so I woke up with a plan… I will prepare and then fix myself up and go do my nails…. this is how I’m going to deal with the situation… KG suggested an outing and I thought it would be a good idea 
The aim was that at 12:00 they should be leaving. It was all systems go by 10am for us and from there we just couldn’t wait to deal with the anxiety … but koko wasn’t ready 😂😂😂

So the wait continued

11:45 everyone was done, we said a prayer and off we went… suddenly I had a song , it’s called ” it’s time to go””I have never heard it anywhere before , there I was in high spirits making sure that my babies energy is in order. I sang buckle up and I strapped the young one in and kissed goodbye. It was time for papa to say goodbye….. and upon seeing that papa is not coming in, regardless of all the talks she and papa had for the whole week, our eldest couldn’t hold her tears back…she screamed for life

By this time we having lumps on our throat and we beg them to go….. namelang Koko…. we blow kisses 

I look to my right and as expected he’s devastated, sobbing… I cuddle him… “”it’s going to be okay”” we walk back inside. I give him a tight squeeze… I ask myself when last have I squeezed this man so tight…. again the silence in the house ….. we take the moment in, we take the silence in , I’m in his arms, he’s wrapped inside my blanket….. I hear his heartbeat….wow when last have I heard his heartbeat ….. again the silence …. I hear tears rolling on my cheeks… standing there with the love of my life, doing life together 

And growing through raising kids

It’s going to be a long month but we are determined to learn how to be ourselves. We are not the two people who didn’t have kids but we are parents now and we are going to reconnect in a beautiful way where the hugs are long not limited by someone asking.. what are you guys doing … or the daily chores of parenthood 

The sound of the heartbeat, my husbands heartbeat… the one

I’m blessed 


So we went out , Sandton and Wodmead… had a great conversation and now we are just enjoying each other’s company 

Just forge ahead and host 

I have observed how procrastination shows up in different angles in my life

One way is waiting to host family ,my friends with my reason being … waiting for the right pots because the current ones are worn out, refreshing the cutlery because when raising kids , spoons just disappear…waiting for the right serving bowls or Tupperware 🤷🏿‍♀️🤷🏿‍♀️🤷🏿‍♀️
So now that I am ware of these thoughts, I move ahead forcefully… creating memories and not showing stuff. I know how an ideal pot and cuttlery should be , with a table and napkins but I don’t have that right now…. 
Right now I have the heart the character and meals that makes memories and that is enough 👍🏾👍🏾👍🏾👍🏾

Living brave

I am a great fan of Ms O and Brene Brown. I have watched this you tube video over and over again. This has done great ministry to me.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4u4J58YUB1Q&spfreload=5

 

Disclaimer: the intention is to use the questions asked to investigate and understand myself better, it is no way intended for any other purpose.

 

Describe vulnerability

Being WILLING to express the truth of who you are, the feeling at ANY given point

Being ABLE to open up your soul and let it flow so that other people can see their soul in yours

I have learned that in my life the willingness of this truth and ability to open up my soul is easy on the light issues of life. This gets more tested in the hard conversations. I can safely say I am still a student. I realised this quite early in my life, speaking is my gift and ministry but it does not mean I am great communicator, communication requires being vulnerable J

One area of my life that feels vulnerable to me

Criticism about my clothes and coordination touches me on my studio. At the moment I attribute this to not having as many clothes when I was young, I don’t know really. But matching and mixing and being criticised for not meeting a certain expectation really affects my self-esteem. People say I dressed well, but I think it was because I was thin and anything looked good, however circumstance changed, I have two kids and my body is not the same anymore.

So I do see myself having a permanent image consultant, stylist etc.

Stories I tell myself about myself

I could still be stuck at the Nomusa of 2001 – 2011, the 1st female chairperson of one of the largest student organisation. Being a Financial Manager at 26

Good stories, but they have potential of limiting me on inventing the mother, wife and game changer…I am 34, so I must create a new chapter, turn the page

My struggles to be brave, what people don’t know about me

I hate confrontation and I easily shutdown

As a result I struggle to say how I feel, when I feel it, especially that feeling when I am not happy, which results in silence

Silence does not mean I am peaceful because I could be at war within

I am trying to have the difficult conversations, in all areas of my life, hence I started to write!!

If you are brave enough, you are going to fall, where have I fallen?

I have a few moments of falling

After my best friend told me she had separated from her husband, I was shocked. I took the phone and arranged to meet the ex, he had once confided in me and I did not share that with my friend. Big mistake. I never again allowed the conversations to continue. But upon separation, I felt the marriage could still be saved. Second big mistake. Meeting did not happen, I left a scar in our friendship. Now I know better, to stand in the gap for anyone going through this, it was not my place to do that and I will never do it again. Unconditional support

I told my best friend that her husband is cheating. My friend ended our relationship. It shocked me. I will never do it again

Difficulty to accept my cousin’s pregnancy and feeling the overwhelming burden to care. This taught me I had personalised the responsibility and I need to let go. Thank God she had her baby and all is well, not perfect and it is ok. This was my biggest fall

All three represent things that I couldn’t have known and I am glad I know better now, I forgive me

Shame?

I know the feeling of shame, when on numerous occasions I have felt like I cannot get my work done for many various reasons. Having succeeded to achieve unqualified audit opinion them moved to qualified x 2 even though I was ready and told everybody 2 years ago, the perception of others of that shamed me.

Coming from a life of excellence, where everything I touched obeyed and turned into gold, where everyone affirmed me, then to be here where I felt like I am swimming against the tide daily, shamed me

I knew something was wrong when a clerk took my parking lot without asking and I was left stranded to figure out one and I still went to her and say it’s okay, she didn’t come to me, I went to her and to say it’s okay …. I knew something was wrong and needed to change

Shame has two tapes, never good enough or who do you think you are?

Mine is never good enough

I have 8 years in the private sector and 3 years in semi-public entity. Here I am told I am too good for here, so I am not good enough for here. The agents are telling me I am tainted by the public sector image, so I am not good enough

My next chapter is to prove to myself that I am good enough, that’s why I am doing this work on myself

The message on my t-shirt says

WORK IN PROGRESS!

The soundtrack of my life is

Stand – after you’ve done all you can by Donnie Mc Clurkin

Favourite room in my house

Bathroom

Best thing about my age

Understanding the power of IMPACT and FEAR

Impact because I see how my life impacts my children. The power of influencing two individuals to be the best that they can be, this humbles and amazes me

The realisation of the fact that my approach to my fears determines the degree of impact I will have life. If I choose to remain in fear, I am basically choosing discontent, if I choose bravery, happiness, freedom, fulfilment and meaningful life

How do you open myself for meaningful feedback?

I am still working on this for the new chapter of my life; however I have a few core that is able to move me to heights that are only known by my soul

 

Concluding with Ms Oprah’s words

I ought to work on being full, enough to share with everyone else

You cannot lead a brave life without disappointing people. The people who really care about you, the people who are rooting for you, will not be disappointed

I am on my way to bravery!!

Growing through friendship

My friend gave me a poster with this poem, A Reason, A Season, or A Lifetime.I had it hung up on my wall from tertiary days right through my adult life.

As I grow up,I realize I had no clue what it meant, nor was I emotionally prepared of its true meaning. I knew back then that I treasured my friendships, I knew then that my friends would go an extra mile, I knew and felt the love and support through the ups and downs of my life. My friends were always there and are still here.

It is until recently that one of my dear friend said a line that comes out of this poem, that it all came back to me. Like any other growing friendship that is facing life , career,motherhood etc, we miss each other and we are both at different stages of life, whilst with some experiences we can relate to another, the most part we do not relate anymore. Different location also adds to the gap and the distance. Whilst we can take two months not talking to each other, the moment we connect we are like house on fire, the energy is good. Although we both know that the friendship has suffered neglect and it i not intentional,it is just life.

I care about her and  she cares about me. However she had come to a new level of growth in her life, one which also included accepting that perhaps, the reason and purpose she was sent to my life has been achieved. I took that in a very hard way, I started swearing and tearing, I was hurt. This is not where I am, I protested internally, could it be? Is she right? What did  I expect?

I started asking myself what made me cry, what is it that hurt me about her discovery? I realised that, I did not plan to get this point of my life, where we are both not on the same stage of our lives. I also do know what I planned, I had nothing, except I knew that I loved the authentic friendship I have had with her.Perhaps the crux of the matter is, this is the end of a specific chapter, the single ladies chapter and how we related. A beginning of a new chapter, which I don’t have a title for.Perhaps this is to say,instead of leading the friendship from a point of guilt, where we feel we are not seeing each other as often as we used to, not speaking as often as we used, maybe the one time we see each other in a year is enough and that maybe when we see each other , we don’t have to moan and complain about how “not enough” it is.

Perhaps this is to teach us, that this growing through friendship

Still it hurts

 

Here is the poem

People always come into your life for a reason, a season and a lifetime. 

When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. 

They have come to assist you through a difficulty, or to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or even spiritually. 

They may seem like a godsend to you, and they are. They are there for a reason,you need them to be. 

Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. 

Sometimes they die, Sometimes they just walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. 

What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilleed; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. 

They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. 

They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season. And like Spring turns to Summer and Summer to Fall, the season eventually ends.

LIFETIME, relationships teach you a lifetime of lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. 

Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway);, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas in your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant. Thank you for being part of my life…..

 

 

 

 

The difficult conversations 

I have learned that part of growing is learning to have difficult conversations.

I know that part of my breakthrough here will require such conversations. I become so anxious and concerned but the minute I identify what my intention is then I become at peace

I think I have been denying my colleagues feedback that could add value to their leadership process.  I have observed how too many of them have won arguments and conversations but lost people in the process. 

These mistakes are so common and can either make or break a leader. In my environment it is breaking the communication and it is building a very cold wall between managers and staff

The only thing I’m struggling with is , will they receive, is it in my position to do this . Seeing that I too am adjusting to this environment I wouldn’t want to be seen as someone who thinks they know it all

My intention to help build , help the manager see his / her shortcomings with the hope that they will learn and find better ways to communicate

If I put the entity’s best interest at heart and I articulate myself clearly I might just get the breakthrough 

I’m also wondering if I shouldn’t rather write it down and present it 🤷🏿‍♀️

Wheeew I don’t know

My intention is good , it is the how that I’m afraid of 

Test of liberation

So I have this funny yet very important story of how I tested myself that I am now liberated , maybe more how I knew I was liberated than testing 

Testing would have been more intentional in this case I wasn’t going about doing that

We took a family weekend vacation and like always the kids always want to go for a swim. By the swimming pool , a white family came by and as always kids started playing and talking to one another 

I noticed the communication barrier and I said to myself owh this kid doesn’t know how to speak SePedi ….. there my lightbulb came on …. I am free 

I own my language I own my space I don’t suffer from low self esteem I don’t think my kids have to speak English to be validated

I did however change the language to English in order to forge relationships but I was impressed that my mind was free

Look the language barrier is a serious issue and the next line sounds like what Trevor Noah would say. If there are more IsiZulu and Afrikaans speaking people in SA        as per Stats SA , Then it makes sense that if you want to forge relationships across it would help you to learn both languages whilst obviously knowing English as a global means of communication 

Do I expect a white child who lives in South Africa to speak at least two or three of the South African languages …yes 😊😊😊

There’s power in building relationships and language is an important factor towards that

Something that as a society we prioritize on. 

For me if I can relate I can influence and if I can influence you I can LEAD you
💃🏾

Born in apartheid, growing in freedom 

Blogging 

I find myself having great content with no title, just like this one

The intention of this message is to talk about being born in apartheid growing up post apartheid and balancing my self esteem to the social structures around me

This thought came by as I was chatting with my mother over the weekend. She recently went to Natal her homestead and was so thrilled the bus service now goes inside our small town making her travel experience easier and safer for her to access the service . Bus service providers such as Greyhound etc never used to go inside the town and apparently that has changed. Her comment went like ” am sure kukhona umlungu oye wasicelela ukuthi lebhasi lingene la ekhaya edrobheni lakithi, ey waze wasisiza” 

Translation ” am sure there is a white person who asked on our behalf for this bus to go through the town, he has really helped us”

Now this and many more statement like this are part of my environment. I used to feel sad when I’d hear my closest family members refer to white people in this context 

The context says every good thing that happens must have been done by a white man. And this was the truth for hundreds of years in our country. My mother who is 67 has lived most of her life during the apartheid years than post apartheid 

My mother in law appreciates the fact that my daughter has a slightly flat bum, she references the beauty to that of yamakgowa. Opila ngwana onalemmele wamakgowa . She is 69

My helper insists that white people who live in our complex will not stay long because black people are dominant. She literally goes to say ” kepleke yabatho babantsho mmo makgowa akaseduli” She is 55 and helps raise my kids 🤷🏿‍♀️🤷🏿‍♀️🤷🏿‍♀️🤷🏿‍♀️🤷🏿‍♀️

But growing through life has taught me to own my past , own the legacy of what apartheid achieved in the minds of my society. Take up the comments with a pinch of salt but be aware that this is the constant battle for me to build my self esteem independent of the socialization, the system and what has become the culture.

I remember my graduation day 👨‍🎓, we walked up the stairway to exit the hall, my wonderful father would not step onto the passage . He waited for all the people to pass, although each one of them was giving him the platform to jump in , he still wouldn’t. I noticed this , went to him , held his hand and encouraged him to come with me. I did notice that everyone who offered him was white and it made sense…..

The same evening , my family gathered at Nandos Melville and as we were walking outside the parking lot. My father approached a young white boy to ask him for matches to light his cigarette. My father called out to the boy as klein baas☹️☹️☹️☹️ and he got the cigarette and the young man went about his life. This was in 2005

I have done a lot of work about this scene in my life and I am glad I took the time to do so. I remember feeling sad , that on this greatest day of my life I must still go through apartheid issues and Klein baas problems. So glad for the small voice

I went back to the scene in my mind and I saw the level of confidence and excitement my father showed. He didn’t care that my mother was saying hawu kodwa babaLungelo wenzani, ingani nangu uNtombi ukhona. Awuceli ngani kuye 😂😂😂😂. To my dad this moment was a moment of self expression, remember I said he commanded good relations at home through his businesses and made friends with the white men. I realized that for him communicating with a white person in that context is not a sign of inferiority but it was a sign of I can hold down a conversation with you and even if it means I ask you for a lighter for my cigarette. In fact for him to have done this in JHB was a big Deal 😆😆😆

I do recognize the moment of exiting the hall as a mindset not liberated to rightfully command his turn and I have , let this go.. in his era white men first then you followed, and it’s okay

You see my parents challenges , celebrations and triumphs will be the same to mine . We lived in the different eras

So once I understood this I let go of both scenes and the attached sadness. I recognized that in order to be free I need to be aware. I must not live in ignorance of the depth of the damages the apartheid system has had on my society at the same time I must know when my teaching about a changed mindset add value and I must be willing to lose the argument to win the person, especially when it’s the elderly.

I may mention in passing to my mom and mom in law about how they must remember that things have changed but I’m not going climb on the tree and try to win the argument. I might place more emphasis on specifics to my helper as how she carries herself is what my kids my know to be true but I need not strain myself if I don’t win. Oowh but when it’s coming from the young generation I crack the whip!!!

So didn’t personalize this experience and it was important because I was just about to enter formal employment and I didn’t need apartheid legacy issues to haunt me!!!

To date I no longer get hurt when I hear reya makgoweng, it’s an expression that has become our language….. dangerous or not we need to decide 

The songs , ngwana otswana lelekhaladi 

The saying waze wamuhle ufana nomlungu 

The expression, yeeey kuhle kwakhe yikwamlungu 

They don’t hurt me anymore but I don’t use any of them 

Diary of a one frustrated student

Dear degree
Maybe you misunderstood me, listen I don’t need you to feel that I have made it in life so please stop being difficult. 
You are not my source of success waitse, God is my source. Dear degree I love you for the knowledge you give me. I love you for inspiring my mind to think out loud, especially the ideas and theories I get to use in my current job. 

So please for your information Nomusa Audry Malatji does not need you to feel she’s has made it in life!!!

Signed

Student

I am not my tears

I am not my tears

When in trouble and challenged immensely at work , I don’t respond in tears. I do not look down on women who express themselves in this manner. In fact I have learned the power of validating the tears and let the women on my team be.

This didn’t come naturally and I’m grateful to my male colleague who showed me the power of this. In one of our meetings a colleague was feeling overwhelmed by the work and expectations from their duties. Tears were rolling down whilst we continued with the discussion. He took time and pointed this out saying it cannot be business as usual when our colleague is sitting there crying in our presence.

We paused , validated her and a instant miracle happend. She looked lighter and am sure I saw a smile on her face

This has made to say If any women in my team is feeling the pressure , letting it out around everyone is good thing and then I immediately give them the platform to say how they feel, usually a breakthrough happens. I believe that instead of looking at tears as a sign of weakness , we must change that and allow each and every emotion to be rightfully expressed. Especially if the cause is a work related one. I do believe that if a woman is crying about something either than work related they would excuse themselves in the meeting and deal with the matter

So have I cried at work?

The answer is yes!!

I cried in 2017, I don’t know if I have ever cried before this, my natural instinct is to say no but I can be wrong. I had implemented a training plan for my team after the responsible owner couldn’t implement due to limited human resource. Once done I wasn’t given the benefit of the doubt to say why i went ahead, instead I was told what could have gone wrong , basically I was told I shouldn’t have done it. Regardless of the fact that all relevant authorities and process was followed including that of this unit. The issue was that I shouldn’t have initiated it , they should have.

I followed every rule in the book yet no one bothered to verify prior to being called in for questioning. This disappointed me immensely and after explaining my intentions , I felt this huge burning in my eyes and tears rolled down. My expression was I AM TIREd 

Tired of the place where no one gives me a benefit of the doubt

Tired of everyone being viewed with suspicion. Tired that no mater how great my intentions are , nobody will give me the benefit of the doubt

Tired to the fact that I had to plan and initiate training , tired to the fact that the next time I say people have limited skills, the question will be what did you do to train them, I must account but I cannot implement because of people’s attitudes

Tired of the fear of auditors over the fear of growing and building the entity and challenging the status quo

Tired of the fear of who will answer to this and that committee

Tired to the what if , will you answer, I won’t account, 🙃🙃🙃

So I cried

The encounter ended , I walked out and later on told my sister about my disappointed expression. It was for the first time I had such a feeling. 

My wonderful sister recommended that I just say I cried because my cat died hence I was sad….. I never had the courage to correct that and I just continued with my life

I couldn’t believe it when the same team reported A for achieved on the training plan in their quarter report , with my only initiative as evidence 🤦🏾‍♀️🤦🏾‍♀️🤦🏾‍♀️🤦🏾‍♀️kanti abantu banjani 

I am not my tears