Today is day 4 without the kids … so far .. not sure hey
Day one , Monday was bittersweet, I called them late evening and had a very dry lump on my throats as I said goodnight ….. we couldn’t sleep … the sleep just wouldn’t come 🤷🏿♀️🤷🏿♀️🤷🏿♀️🤷🏿♀️
Tuesday went pretty well, I even had some time to jog and felt great and my energy levels were recharged when I called them and I was 👍🏾👍🏾👍🏾I even sang our nighttime song, thula thula sana . I felt strong
Wednesday went okay, no jogging but I wasn’t sure how I was feeling after the call. Daddy had to make his first call and our eldest didn’t take it so well. …. she became so sad and that didn’t feel good… today I thought about that and it made me sad
And today… well I didn’t get a chance to call them today, I am not even home yet from work. I’m feeling tired , honestly more stressed than tired. And a thought of walking through the door without these little ones made me shed a tear …. there’s a miracle when I walk through the door, no matter the battles, they are an automatic pick me up button
It was Gods divine moment that I had Impact radio on and they are speaking of parenthood…. I am so encouraged
The process might not be easy for either of us but in life we don’t build resilience by just hanging around easy stuff. Through this time I’m hoping that my kids are building some form of a muscle that will strengthen them both internal and external
I don’t know what to call these muscles yet
But maybe it was good for me to be away every June and December holidays when I was a child . …. yes it’s sad when I think that my family didn’t gather for Christmas as I’ like to for my family now.. but it built some muscles , it does seem to make sense why I needed that
Thinking back, I remember how I used to cry , if I got home after school and my mom wasn’t there, it would pierce my heart, I’d shut down, it would feel like my lights are off, at times I’d just go to bed instantly with tears rolling down my face until I fell asleep
I couldn’t even eat if my mother wasn’t around. I can remember the time she decided to go to night school, it would make me miserable. I don’t know how I related with this. And I remember the relief when she stopped going to school. It felt like she was gone forever 🐒🐒🐒🐒. I still want to test why she stopped.
I remember the one night she came back from night school and we didn’t have food to eat, she was so sad, I felt she thought her going to school and not going to fend for food wasn’t the right thing to do… I can recollect a few incidents where we waited for her, yet on her return there was nothing she could do. This would mean stepping out at late night to go to the neighbors to ask for impuphu, cook pap and eat right towards midnight.
I need to ask her what made her stop going to school… either way I’m glad she was there when I neeeded her and took me with wherever she went
As I’m doing this journey, I realize how my eldest child is attached to her daddy, I can relate to her with this feeling that overwhelmes you, like a fog that just covers you and you have no idea where it starts and ends. At times I’d stand by the door , waiting for my mommy to come back, yet on her return, I wouldn’t run to hug her, I’d just stand there and feel even more angry…. wishing I could ask her why didn’t she take me with
My mother must have had her hands full with me… I wasn’t an easy child when I was younger
And so again when I see how my youngest daughter cries and clings onto me. I see a version of myself in her… how I pray that the time spent at grandma and grandpa will help end that season…
I’d be happy to welcome back home a little bit of independence and then knowing that they are capable of handling their feelings and emotions and knowing that we will see each other again
So this evening , I miss them , especially after such a rough day at work…..
Granny just called … Katlego just had pizza and slept on he couch…. that’s how much she loves pizza… she will always ask for some more please 😁😁
Okay I’m good
😊😊unneeded that call
Plus husband is her now