Laundry matters

Doing laundry is one of my past time activity 

Let’s say used to be 

Growing up in a big family meant doing laundry every Saturday. Two big iron bowls and huge amounts of laundry for more than eight people. This is something I got used to , at first I was just helping my mother out but as time went on , I just became obsessed with doing laundry 

So all my laundry experience was hand wash until I got to University. I saw a washing machine and a dryer for the very first time !!!

But, I still didn’t use it for a while. I did all my laundry by hand until I realized how good a dryer was in cleaning the fluffy stuff on my clothes. Once I did , I used the dryer on some of my clothes. Either than that , I dried my clothes on the alternative wire inside the laundry room. For the 3 years at university I used only sunlight bar soap 🤗🤗🤗🤗

I have since learned that I have too many rules. I love doing laundry in a specific way. So allowing my helper to step in for four years, was a moment to teach myself to let go, plus I needed the help. If I wanted to stay sober in some areas of my life, I had to learn to let go of perfection in most areas. And that one area is laundry 

So for four years,  I have been receiving help from my helper. Regardless of the manner with which it is done , I learned to understand that nobody is going to die for less than whiter tops and shirts. It gave me time and space to focus on building our family and raising our kids. Also to try find tools to cope with being a mother and a student at the same time

Working in a factory environment also helped in a sense that I was wearing more casual clothes than formal. Our hearts really focused on the kids more than anything else. We told our helper and made it clear that the priority was our kids and not the clean house and laundry 

So the past three weeks without our helper and my kids visiting reminded me how much I loved doing laundry. I took the challenge on and washed all our clothes. Funny how KG noticed the change in color of my gown for example which had turned grey from white
I have also learned that I am not very comfortable with saying to my helper don’t do it this way etc, at some point I neeeded to weight what matters most and at the time having my kids in a clean and safe environment was okay and enough 

Our last born is now 22 months , independent and I believe that our helper can have some ample time in her hands . Whether or not I’m ready to do the conversation at that level is another story 

For now though I realize that I have a little bit of anxiety to do the laundry. It could be the fact that I want to bring some normal back to my life , it could also be the fact that I am pure traditionalist but also it could be because I have lost most of the baby weight, putting effort in how I look, buying a little more pricey clothes and I’d like for these to last me a little bit longer
Taking care of your clothes determines how long they last you

If I’m going to invest in my wardrobe I need the right methods of taking care of them

I have openly declared that when our helper comes back , I will continue to do the laundry and she can do the ironing 
We will see how that goes

I am glad I practiced letting go for four years and I admire myself for doing that

🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂

The art of taking care

It surely has been a time of revival. With our kids being away for three weeks. 

I am remembering the art of taking care of my skin. The last time I exfoliated was four years ago. Just before I had my kids 

This shows how much being a mommy has brought some serious adjustments 

I went to the shops and got me some face products and I have been cleansing daily. 

My prayer is that I will make time to cleanse and exfoliate to allow my skin to rebirth a new self. Especially now that the kids are back 

Life is a process of relearning and unlearning 

My skin is an important part of my brand 

Writing the difficult thoughts

 

Dear colleague,

I thought I should write this letter to express my opinion about my experience and share my insights on important xxx matters.

  1. Training and development to the CA (SA) Trainee
  • The shortlisting date for the xxx refers
  • That the recruitment does not allow for the trainee to be given exposure on how to prepare and contribute to panel selection and to participate in the shortlisting process and ultimately the interviews
  • This despite the fact that this process is part of his training plan
  • I have made observations and this has been my thoughts, that:

 

  1. The recruitment policy needs to be updated to include training of employees outside the xxx unit in order to gain exposure
  2. Especially if it relates to the unit which is relevant to their training
  • A trainee at SRxxx, is mostly likely to face challenges of recruitment and placement in a work environment
  1. Recruitment and selection is a very important process and gives insight on how to choose the right person for the position
  2. These and more skills are pertinent in ensuring that a manager is fully equipped with such a skill
  3. Our CA( SA) trainee, is an SR level xxx, once qualified, he enters permanent employment at SR level xxxx and the likelihood that they will be excepted to partake in their units selection and interview is high
  • I further base the above on my own personal experience here as I walked into an environment where there were 8 vacant post and I had no resources
  • I had to first find alternative methods on how to solve the problem , as there was no xxx fully equipped with the Public Service procedures
  • In the interim, we had to make do with interns, a process which had never been done xxx xxx and I am very proud to have initiated it
  • Constantly looking for solutions and various methods of solving problems, is key to the success of a manager
  • This is fully represented by the CMC’s in our performance agreements
  • It has taken almost 4 years to fill the vacancy at xxx xxx for obvious reasons and to date there are still existing limiting factors, to which we are using the job rotation strategy to try close the gap
  • The point I am trying to emphasise is this, a manager at SRxxxx is expected to be resourceful and to always challenge the manner with which things are being done
  • It is an inherent part of the position

 

  • With that being said, I wish to request that the trainee be considered for inclusion in the selection and interview process for the xxx , as arranged for the xxxx
  • Furthermore, considerations must be made in the future to expose our candidates to such valuable experience
  • We are planning to access more CA(SA) trainees for xxxx and it would be excellent if we are able to expose them to decision making including xxxxx

 

  1. Our manner of communicating

 

  • Over the working time that we have had together, our working relationship has improved for the better
  • However, there are specific areas that are of great concern to me, in the manner with which we communicate
  • So I have decided to put these here, so that we can both have clarity of the issues
  • I find that 9 out of 10 times, when we are having a difference of opinion, you always say to me “Government does not work that way”
  • I have listened over and over to this statement and it is not until recently that you raised this again in a meeting it left me saddened and disappointed
  • Our lack of fighting fair and lack of cohesion has given power to the notion that women in power can never see eye to eye, nor can they work together
  • Now this is the notion that I don’t believe in it and I refuse to support the narrative

Let us change the narrative

  • I think we can both agree that xxx is a unique environment
  • It is both new to you and surely new to me also
  • This then says to me, neither of us can claim to be perfect for the environment, by either previous experience or other means
  • All that we possess is the willingness to improve and see the entity getting better
  • Whether it is by PSA on your end and BCEA on my end, our goal post is the same, to see xxx making an impact to the society of the disadvantaged
  • I therefore feel that, your comments towards me, have a potential of damaging my self – esteem and can have a negative impact on my capabilities and how I feel about myself. Especially because you are a xxxxxxxxx.
  • I strongly believe that I could brush it off if it were not from xxxxx but by virtue and nature of your position, I expect a different and the opposite to what I am receiving currently
  • Being told to leave xxxx because people like me do not belong here, especially when I am trying to challenge the status quo, is very worrying to me
  • I know that government is bureaucratic in nature and I understand that, but the degree of your expression has left me to wonder how we are ever going to change our country as a whole.
  • I respect the desire to comply and all, but the take on policy as being cast on stone, in a changing environment is very worrying
  • To use an example of a trainee above, if xxxx does not stand up, to include candidates who are being trained in one of the very scarce resources in South Africa, because the policy is silent on the matter, who will stand up to challenge the status quo?
  • Who is going to say in government, that we as empowered managers are making a contribution to our  society and are intentionally training our people in this rare commodity?
  • I think many at times, we as xxx need to realise that we have the power to ask and challenge the policies to work for us.
  • Your response on the matter which said, if we do, who will account, is one that is concerning
  • I believe we are not just hired to push paper, but we must compliment and close the gap between the entity’s strategy, the vision and political will.
  • If we continue to do things as they are, the policy makers assume that the policy is still relevant, meanwhile the goal post has moved ten steps further
  • I acknowledge that bringing change to public service is very difficult, but I think we are partly responsible for that because we feel we have no power to contribute to the changes we desire
  • Meanwhile we have the power to say stop, this is no longer relevant
  • My personal belief is, we need to create the work environment that we desire, this I believe is possible in government
  • I personally am not afraid of being unpopular in order to achieve impact, I do believe that we can complement each other
  • I therefore cannot be silent, knowing that black CA’s are a rare skill , yet agree to the fact that I cannot expose them to critical training, due to fear of accounting or a silent policy or anything related
  • I think this is how we are going to change our country and ultimately change the course of a black child!

Going forward

  • Moving forward, I would like you to accommodate the fact that, I have something to give , whilst you also have something to give
  • I would request that we put our efforts , together to build
  • Let us work together and not against each other
  • Regardless of how unfamiliar my methods and approach may be to you
  • You have a role to play as a xxxx
  • And I believe one of them is to build and not to destroy
  • I also have a role to play and compliance is at the core of what I do, so my intention is never to NOT comply, it is not in my nature
  • Be willing to receive a different opinion without patronising the opinion giver
  • And lastly, you must give me a benefit of a doubt, always

 

xxxx, we are the ones we have been waiting for, no one is coming to save us!! We have to save ourselves and we have the power to do so. And I am glad I cannot blame a white man or apartheid in this instance, it is indeed up to us.

 

Regards,

 

Nomusa Malatji

 

 

Living with grief

“intense sorrow, especially caused by someone’s death”

I am living with grief

I didn’t realize until I had to make that call, it all seemed so deja vu…. I remembered how I felt many years ago and I knew this time I have to do the work

April 2008, I was working in Sandton office towers. My brother Sibusiso called to let me know he wasn’t feeling well. I arranged to come see him over the weekend. I don’t recall how I was suppose to confirm whether or not I would make it

Nonetheless I ended up not making the trip after an attempted effort to try find him. I didn’t think much of his illness and I assumed he went to work , seeing that he used to work on weekends also. He worked as a security in one of the popular companies 

I spent most of my time helping a friend move into his new house… the next time I’d hear from him would be the Monday afternoon. I was still at work and my phone rang, a young boy said, Sibusiso says you must come fetch him, he’s sick , he cannot walk nor talk 

My heart raced , I immediately called my brother SJ and the rest of my siblings. 2008 was the early years of my career. I had no car and traveling to lenasia area would have been daunting after five pm 

And so I relied on my siblings to get through to him

They came with him and he was admitted at the hospital in Attredgeville

I would later take a taxi to go see him. His condition didn’t look bad but his stomach was sweating, swelling and he had sores in his mouth 

The next time I wanted to go see him was a Friday, his fifth day in the hospital. Unfortunately I arrived after the visiting hours were finished and I couldn’t see him

I was saddened 

That same evening after 9pm we received a call to say he had passed away ☹️

There are no words to describe how I felt and what I went through that night 

I went bed and cried the whole night , with my mom crying with me, the entire night 

This was our first loss and the sting of death felt like a lifetime 

12 Days to go … countdown to see my babies 

Missing my girls this evening 

I appreciate the time we have had with KG . It has been really wonderful to reconnect just the two of us. I get it now

It’s important to have the time alone , whilst we love our kids and cannot live without, connection to each other away from the kids is the most important 

It’s amazing how time flies and how with that flying time we have changed 

We’ve always done well connecting on date nights but this way post the kids , alone is super. There is no rush, there is no one to be taken to bed , and no nappy to be changed…

Can’t wait to see how much we will gain by the end of next week

I am grateful for this decision, it’s been worth it

Grandparents- day 4

Today is day 4 without the kids … so far .. not sure hey

Day one , Monday was bittersweet, I called them late evening and had a very dry lump on my throats as I said goodnight ….. we couldn’t sleep … the sleep just wouldn’t come 🤷🏿‍♀️🤷🏿‍♀️🤷🏿‍♀️🤷🏿‍♀️

Tuesday went pretty well, I even had some time to jog and felt great and my energy levels were recharged when I called them and I was 👍🏾👍🏾👍🏾I even sang our nighttime song, thula thula sana . I felt strong 

Wednesday went okay, no jogging but I wasn’t sure how I was feeling after the call. Daddy had to make his first call and our eldest didn’t take it so well. …. she became so sad and that didn’t feel good… today I thought about that and it made me sad 

And today… well I didn’t get a chance to call them today, I am not even home yet from work. I’m feeling tired , honestly more stressed than tired. And a thought of walking through the door without these little ones made me shed a tear …. there’s a miracle when I walk through the door, no matter the battles, they are an automatic pick me up button 

It was Gods divine moment that I had Impact radio on and they are speaking of parenthood…. I am so encouraged 

The process might not be easy for either of us but in life we don’t build resilience by just hanging around easy stuff. Through this time I’m hoping that my kids are building some form of a muscle that will strengthen them both internal and external 

I don’t know what to call these muscles yet

But maybe it was good for me to be away every June and December holidays when I was a child . …. yes it’s sad when I think that my family didn’t gather for Christmas as I’ like to for my family now.. but it built some muscles , it does seem to make sense why I needed that 

Thinking back, I remember how I used to cry , if I got home after school and my mom wasn’t there, it would pierce my heart, I’d shut down, it would feel like my lights are off, at times I’d just go to bed instantly with tears rolling down my face until I fell asleep

I couldn’t even eat if my mother wasn’t around. I can remember the time she decided to go to night school, it would make me miserable. I don’t know how I related with this. And I remember the relief when she stopped going to school. It felt like she was gone forever 🐒🐒🐒🐒. I still want to test why she stopped. 

I remember the one night she came back from night school and we didn’t have food to eat, she was so sad, I felt she thought her going to school and not going to fend for food wasn’t the right thing to do… I can recollect a few incidents where we waited for her, yet on her return there was nothing she could do. This would mean stepping out at late night to go to the neighbors to ask for impuphu, cook pap and eat right towards midnight.

I need to ask her what made her stop going to school… either way I’m glad she was there when I neeeded her and took me with wherever she went

As I’m doing this journey, I realize how my eldest child is attached to her daddy, I can relate to her with this feeling that overwhelmes you, like a fog that just covers you and you have no idea where it starts and ends. At times I’d stand by the door , waiting for my mommy to come back, yet on her return, I wouldn’t run to hug her, I’d just stand there and feel even more angry…. wishing I could ask her why didn’t she take me with

My mother must have had her hands full with me… I wasn’t an easy child when I was younger

And so again when I see how my youngest daughter cries and clings onto me. I see a version of myself in her… how I pray that the time spent at grandma and grandpa will help end that season…

I’d be happy to welcome back home a little bit of independence and then knowing that they are capable of handling their feelings and emotions and knowing that we will see each other again 

So this evening , I miss them , especially after such a rough day at work…..

Granny just called … Katlego just had pizza and slept on he couch…. that’s how much she loves pizza… she will always ask for some more please 😁😁

Okay I’m good

😊😊unneeded that call

Plus husband is her now 

I did my best !!!

The results are out

And I am grateful 

It could have been worse

So to be with two passed a fail a supplement is a humongous achievement 

I too must learn to say, well done to me, I did my best, I got the knowledge I just couldn’t apply it

Failure is not a reflection of my intellect, it was tough but I did well

If I am not kind to me who will

If I don’t understand my strengths and shortcomings who will

If I don’t stand and fight for myself who will

I will graduate, eventually, right now I face shortcomings and it’s okay

One step taken is better than none

I’m so glad that I have separated myself from the value I placed on this degree. I am bigger than that, I study to show myself approved nothing else ✅

I am not my degree 

I am a child of a most high God

I have to find strength within myself 

Dear degree God is my source of happiness success and IT all

Look up 

As I lay me down

Heaven hear me now

I’m lost without a cause

After giving it my all

Winter storms have come

And darkened my sun

After all that I’ve been through

Who on earth can I turn to

I look to you

After all my strength is gone

In you I can be strong

I look to you

And when melodies are gone

In you I hear a song

I look to you

After losing my breath

There’s no more fighting left

Sinking to rise no more

Searching for that open door

And every road that I’ve taken

Led to my regret

And I don’t know if I’m gonna make it

Nothing to do but lift my head

I look to you

And when all my strength is gone

In you I can be strong

I look to you

And when melodies are gone

I look to you

I look to you

Ngiphakamisela amehlo ami ezintabeni 

Usizo lwami luvela kuwe

Do the work

I love this line that I picked from Iyanla Vanzant 

Watching an episode from Oprah show how she was not ready for the blessing …. I recall how Oprah kept saying but how come , you are the only person I ever gave to run the show, the only person in the entire world…. to which Iyanla replies….. I didn’t know that that’s what was happening…. I wasn’t ready to receive 

So from the highest point of her love , having married the love of her love , owning a beautiful house….. all went away. As she always introduces her own show of Iyanla fix my life …. she says I did my work and now it’s your turn to do yours 

I fully understand this in context and I realize how important to do the work for every season of your life…. between birth and 17 my life was filled with challenges and I was hopeful and very faithful about the future…. I had done the work to keep the faith and believe 

Between 18 to 25 I created , I saw and I touched the vision the hope and manifestation of the my faith…. I did the work and it seemed I had it all figured out 

From 26 until now at 34 , it’s Phase 3 of my chapter….. it’s marriage , motherhood, grief and sorrow, it’s career changes, its parent illness and care it’s pressures of life, its another level of growing up, its life at a different level and there’s a lot at stake….. I have to do the work
My my my my 

So this evening , I believe that it is not a coincidence that I have been led to this book

Originals by Adam Grant ….. I have my shovels on , the spade and my fork is ready 

Let’s get to work

In between 

Having given birth to two beautiful babies, I find myself in between shoe sizes 

I have been a size six for the most part of my adult life and suddenly in my first pregnancy I moved to size seven and in my second pregnancy I moved to size eight

My youngest baby is now 19 months old and I am still in between show sizes

I have lost 18 kg since and I am now between size 6 and 7

Size 6 is too tight on most of the shoes and size 7 is too lose. My struggle has been to find a size 6.1/2

I have learned that in my life there will be a lot of in betweens, it is part of life. 

So I’m learning not to dwell on finding the perfect fit , but sometimes I will have to find the tools that will make the adjustment comfortable, I have also clarified that this process is far from defining it as settling for less 

In order to move on and enjoy my shoes, I have discovered creative tools that make the size 7 be the perfect fit and I am happy with them 

These padding for inner sole and back are the best thing ever 

And so here’s to being in between shoe sizes 👠