After the call I made to my mentor, I took a few minutes to pause, processing what had just happened. What just happened? What on earth am I going through?
My heart was pounding so fast I was having some sort of relief combined with excitement. I remember standing up and walking around my office as if I was having a crucial strategic moment. I realised that it must have taken a lot of courage to make that call and to ask for help.
Another thought came rushing through, I imagined myself, walking into my mentors office and him asking me, okay tell me, you had challenges, what effort did you make to try resolve these challenges? In this moment, I had a lot of stuff to say but I felt mhnnnn, it does feel like I could have done more. Look I am not a clerk anymore; I am quite influential am I not? And at middle management, but why does it feel like I am wasting my time, why do I keep being hit on the cheek all the time. And challenging the status quo, at what cost? What more can I do?
My brain was on high speed……
For the first time in my career life I had been told that I am frustrating, that I am not performing, I am reminded on a few occasions that the highest employer in South Africa is not for people like me. After attending my first audit committee meeting I received a message to say I am too ambitious and full of myself from the grapevine of course. To which I now know thanks to Oprah that being full of me either than anything else is the best thing that could ever happen to me. Imagine being full of anything else either than yourself. …..loool my cup is running over with self-esteem, self-empowerment, self-education, and self-motivation.
Anyway, I had made an effort to even speak to my senior colleagues about my challenges and all that they could tell me is, just go. What happened to this employer, whom everyone from Director to Clerk speaks the same language, dissatisfied, unhappy, not a good place to work for, I am leaving, I quit, and I cannot take it anymore???? The only people clinging on are those who are close to retirement, my colleagues keep telling me, 1 more years, 2 more years then I am gone.
I remember a conversation I had with one of my colleagues about the work I believed I had done to test whether or not I was ready to go, to which the outcome was that I am ready to go, he reminded me of the speech I made on the first day of arrival, my admiration for Jose Mourinho’s leadership skills, the fact that he walked into every club, coached with success, regardless of the team. His ability to turn the worst performing team into champions is something that I admire. My colleague was so kind to remind me that even as the special one, he too knew when to leave Chelsea. And so he recommended that perhaps it is time to go.
This conversation brought me to tears because I can relate so well with Jose, to my shock though, a few moments later I heard a protest within me, a small whisper. You can leave, but consider this, unlike Jose, you have not been coaching, and you have been both the captain and the player. So how on earth can you compare yourself to being a coach? The environment has not allowed you to coach. OMG!!! Revelation, I am not a coach, I am supposed to be one, but I AM NOT
So in seeking to have the real answers for my mentors I challenged myself to ask, what did I do about this problem
And so my answers will all be written here
And I will gladly say, I did 1, 2 and 3 and I even blogged about it!!