It was in the beginning of 2017 where I find myself having a dejavu moment, I had spoken with my manager out of frustration, feeling overworked right at the beginning of the year J, feeling things must change and knowing that well, if they don’t, something is going to give and that something is my health and my sanity. Feeling that I had no choice I blurted it out, I am going to find another job. And indeed I started applying and was having consistent voice bothering me about the speed of the turning around of agencies, it was slow, not what I am used to. This was something I was not used to, am I not in demand anymore? agencies call, I was receiving about 2 emails a week and same number of calls, I have excellent experience but no professional qualification, I have great personality, I have out of the world leadership skills, great references, but no professional qualification…. I am not a CA. I don’t know if the agencies were saying this so much that I felt my self – esteem shrinking or was it my environment that was telling me continuously that I don’t fit in and that I am not enough, that I felt , well this looks and sounds like a midlife crisis.
I guess this is what people mean when they say I am between a rock and a hard place.
This was not the first time I was having this crisis, I had recently made a vow with my team in September that as their leader I was going to lead by example, which meant I was going to stop complaining and stop saying I am leaving this place. I was going to fight on and look for solutions and win this battle. Well, few months into the resolution I failed dismally.
The frustration had led me to seek advice from different sources and I thought they seemed to understand what I was going through. All my advisers told me to find another employer. And I agree, with the season of my personal life and my work environments do not complement each other. They are at serious odds, leaving me with one choice, and that choice was to go, that choice remains open to date, however there are no calls anymore, there are no emails anymore, and it is just quiet.
With the speed of finding a potential employer declining I took another option to go back where I come from. So I picked up the phone and called a place I call “home”. I spoke with my mentor and he understood and gave me support, he validated in me in one or two words. He spoke life to me in a few words, he spoke life to me and I felt like some arteries in my heart started to pump blood again. It felt like a vein that was blocked and I didn’t even know about it. Another discovery I made on this conversation was that, I didn’t know what I wanted. I mumbled things like I need a job, from a few months, a year or two from now. Haawu, mina futhi? Once I picked this up, I moved to close the discussion and the call ended.
So two things
- I have a crisis
- I need to define this crisis
- I need to establish what I want
- Then I must go get it
So the best way in finding the answers became writing, but I also realised someone else somewhere is going through this crisis. This is life; it’s the nature of the beast