Mother in law 

I am grateful for my mother in law. I got home a few minutes before seven pm , she did not make feel like a wayward woman

She listened with such sincerity to me expressing my challenges and demands of my workplace. She embraced that I am a working mom and she understands that I have an important role to play 

She understands that me too I have a contribution to make, a part to play in making South Africa the best country to live in. I am living the hopes and dreams of hers and the generations before

She did say though that in her experience the biggest employer in the country does not usually have people working crazy hours like I do. This to me further confirms that something is abnormally wrong with the state of affairs 

Thank you Koko for understanding and being here to take care of your grandkids 
Life should be like this 

Family first

Grateful for : sustained partnership 

Today I am grateful for KG

I realize how far we have come . His understanding and care is rare to find. His leaning in , challenging the status quo and raising the bar of wha it means to be a partner father husband leaves me speechless.

His unwavering support and commitment is one that has taught me that all things are possible 

Grateful to walk the journey of life side by side

It is not easy and we expected that but we bubble forward 

Love conquers all, by choice 

Happy to chose him again today 

The call that set the course to self-discovery

After the call I made to my mentor, I took a few minutes to pause, processing what had just happened. What just happened? What on earth am I going through?

My heart was pounding so fast I was having some sort of relief combined with excitement.  I remember standing up and walking around my office as if I was having a crucial strategic moment. I realised that it must have taken a lot of courage to make that call and to ask for help.

Another thought came rushing through, I imagined myself, walking into my mentors office and him asking me, okay tell me, you had challenges, what effort did you make to try resolve these challenges? In this moment, I had a lot of stuff to say but I felt mhnnnn, it does feel like I could have done more. Look I am not a clerk anymore; I am quite influential am I not? And at middle management, but why does it feel like I am wasting my time, why do I keep being hit on the cheek all the time. And challenging the status quo, at what cost? What more can I do?

My brain was on high speed……

For the first time in my career life I had been told that I am frustrating, that I am not performing, I am reminded on a few occasions that the highest employer in South Africa is not for people like me. After attending my first audit committee meeting I received a message to say I am too ambitious and full of myself from the grapevine of course. To which I now know thanks to Oprah that being full of me either than anything else is the best thing that could ever happen to me. Imagine being full of anything else either than yourself. …..loool my cup is running over with self-esteem, self-empowerment, self-education, and self-motivation.

Anyway, I had made an effort to even speak to my senior colleagues about my challenges and all that they could tell me is, just go. What happened to this employer, whom everyone from Director to Clerk speaks the same language, dissatisfied, unhappy, not a good place to work for, I am leaving, I quit, and I cannot take it anymore???? The only people clinging on are those who are close to retirement, my colleagues keep telling me, 1 more years, 2 more years then I am gone.

I remember a conversation I had with one of my colleagues about the work I believed I had done to test whether or not I was ready to go, to which the outcome was that I am ready to go, he reminded me of the speech I made on the first day of arrival, my admiration for Jose Mourinho’s leadership skills, the fact that he walked into every club, coached with success, regardless of the team. His ability to turn the worst performing team into champions is something that I admire. My colleague was so kind to remind me that even as the special one, he too knew when to leave Chelsea. And so he recommended that perhaps it is time to go.

This conversation brought me to tears because I can relate so well with Jose, to my shock though, a few moments later I heard a protest within me, a small whisper. You can leave, but consider this, unlike Jose, you have not been coaching, and you have been both the captain and the player. So how on earth can you compare yourself to being a coach? The environment has not allowed you to coach. OMG!!! Revelation, I am not a coach, I am supposed to be one, but I AM NOT

So in seeking to have the real answers for my mentors I challenged myself to ask, what did I do about this problem

And so my answers will all be written here

And I will gladly say, I did 1, 2 and 3 and I even blogged about it!!

When I was a child I talked like a child, I thought like a child

I have grown up to realise that this scripture is true and that many events and experiences of my life reflect this.

I have a few experiences that when I look back I say to myself, indeed I was still a child and thought like one.

Statements like, suffer together and prosper together???When I was 22 I took this literally to mean I must suffer and the process of suffering didn’t sound like a good idea. At that stage of my life I focused more on speaking life, guarding your mind not to speak negative for out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh, you are what you think and speak etc. So speaking suffering over my life, lol I had no idea neither did I fully comprehend the meaning of such expressions.

I also didn’t understand the yin yan explanation, what? I have some bad and some good in me, what, I am the temple of the Holy Spirit, it cannot be. I wasn’t ready to comprehend Paul when he says , what I must do I do not do, yet what I don’t want to do, I do …..

So I realise now that I was young and felt every truthful thing must be said, every known secret must be exposed. Thankfully all those things I wanted to say that I felt like needed to be said, I would discuss with my mother and on all of them I felt strongly about, yet I never went out of my way to disobey her advice.

I have used this analysis a lot as I write, I was young, and I didn’t know any better.

This has come to make me thoroughly understand Maya Angelou’s, When you know better, you do better.

 

I know better now, I understand better now, so I do better….and I know for sure that ten years from now it will still be same, because I am in journey after all. No rush

 

That’s it!

Who am I 

I know a girl from the farms
She stands apart from the crowd

She loves the village and her people

She makes her whole family proud
Sometimes the world seems against you

The journey may leave a scar

But scars can heal and reveal just

Where you are
The people you love will change you

The things you have learned will guide you

And nothing on Earth can silence

The quiet voice still inside you

And when that voice starts to whisper

Nomusa you’ve come so far

Nomusa, listen

Do you know who you are?
Who am I?

I am the girl who loves my township 

I’m the girl who loves the country 

It calls me
I am the daughter of the farm brick maker 

We are descended from royalty 

Who found their way across the world

They call me
I’ve delivered us to where we are

I have journeyed farther

I am everything I’ve learned and more

Still it calls me
And the call isn’t out there at all

It’s inside me

It’s like the tide, always falling and rising

I will carry you here in my heart

You’ll remind me

That come what may, I know the way

I am Nomusa!
Moana😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 this has been my revival 

When the song is made just for you 

This girl is called, ubizo lukhulu 

How I decided to blog

Personal crisis

It was in the beginning of 2017 where I find myself having a dejavu moment, I had spoken with my manager out of frustration, feeling overworked right at the beginning of the year J, feeling things must change and knowing that well, if they don’t, something is going to give and that something is my health and my sanity. Feeling that I had no choice I blurted it out, I am going to find another job. And indeed I started applying and was having consistent voice bothering me about the speed of the turning around of agencies, it was slow, not what I am used to. This was something I was not used to, am I not in demand anymore? agencies call, I was receiving about 2 emails a week and same number of calls, I have excellent experience but no professional qualification, I have great personality, I have out of the world leadership skills, great references, but no professional qualification…. I am not a CA. I don’t know if the agencies were saying this so much that I felt my self – esteem shrinking or was it my environment that was telling me continuously that I don’t fit in and that I am not enough, that I felt , well this looks and sounds like a midlife crisis.

Mhhnnn

I guess this is what people mean when they say I am between a rock and a hard place.

This was not the first time I was having this crisis, I had recently made a vow with my team in September that as their leader I was going to lead by example, which meant I was going to stop complaining and stop saying I am leaving this place. I was going to fight on and look for solutions and win this battle. Well, few months into the resolution I failed dismally.

The frustration had led me to seek advice from different sources and I thought they seemed to understand what I was going through. All my advisers told me to find another employer. And I agree, with the season of my personal life and my work environments do not complement each other. They are at serious odds, leaving me with one choice, and that choice was to go, that choice remains open to date, however there are no calls anymore, there are no emails anymore, and it is just quiet.

With the speed of finding a potential employer declining I took another option to go back where I come from. So I picked up the phone and called a place I call “home”. I spoke with my mentor and he understood and gave me support, he validated in me in one or two words. He spoke life to me in a few words, he spoke life to me and I felt like some arteries in my heart started to pump blood again. It felt like a vein that was blocked and I didn’t even know about it. Another discovery I made on this conversation was that, I didn’t know what I wanted. I mumbled things like I need a job, from a few months, a year or two from now. Haawu, mina futhi? Once I picked this up, I moved to close the discussion and the call ended.

So two things

  • I have a crisis
  • I need to define this crisis
  • I need to establish what I want
  • Then I must go get it

So the best way in finding the answers became writing, but I also realised someone else somewhere is going through this crisis. This is life; it’s the nature of the beast