This is my prayer – more so now as I am getting closer to 40.
I pray to be really clear about my priorities. Be really clear on how much time I’m investing on what and why.
Be clear on who gets my time and attention.
One thing that I am clear about is my family.
I am clear about my marriage , it really matters a lot. I am clear about the relationship with my children , it’s the most important thing on earth.
I am clear about serving / working – not sure how this looks like some days – especially because it demands a lot of time and might lead to a compromise to the quality of relations I have with my family. So this is not just a post , but a prayer. I am learning how to pace myself in this area. I am learning to say NO – I learned this week how fulfilling and also painful this is. This is because I am genuinely a people pleaser. I am learning to count my blessings , I did after all , make a hay whilst the sun shone.
On the area of serving / working – I pray to be able to breathe and give myself permission to continuously say NO.
I pray to be open to the lessons the Lord would have me learn and decisions that the Lord would have me take.
I want my daily actions and decisions to reflect things that really matter to me.
Starting 2021 after such a rough 2020 may feel very overwhelming, I am coming to realise that even so , I have to put some effort into intentional living – I cannot throw the toys out just yet .
I am learning on day 1 that I have to be kind enough to accept that the view from the past only confirms the fear and that the future has so much uncertainty.
The space between the scary , painful past and the overwhelming uncertainty is called faith. Having faith to trust that God our creator has our back even during the hard circumstances , having faith to believe that we are on this earth for a reason. I have to believe, no matter the circumstances, that all things will work together for my good.
Here is the word that is encouraging me today . Psalm 139:16 – this scripture talks about the fact that the days of our life were written in the book of life – way before we were born, God knew us and He ordained a plan for all the days of our lives , whether we have a pandemic or not. Gods plan about our lives remains.
This understanding helped me realise that surrendering what I have no control over will be the biggest ask from all of us again in 2021.
As someone who loves planning and writing down – I asked myself a simple question – what do I have control over ? And what is it that I can do with what I can do ? The best place to start for me was the garden – sowing a seed and seeing it grow is one of the earths most amazing wonders. So I planted a few seeds today because I said – a few months from today I would love to have the following in my garden.
I first put my focus on what I love and am good at – an approach I will be using for all things in 2021. Basil, beetroot, rocket and tomatoes – these are my all stars. I also had to consider new items to explore and keep my creativity going , so I took up sunflowers, daisies (because I adore them) and marog!! Included in my seeds are the plants that I have attempted and failed growing in the past such as Radish – I know my patience will be tested with these but I have to try again.
This process helped me put a few things into perspective :
What is it that I’d love to see/harvest or enjoy seeing its beauty -in a few months
What do I have control of – focus on that
What is it that I excel on / love growing – stick to it
What’s new and exciting to add to my basket – allow growth – make things exciting
What is it that is challenging or I have failed on the past – try it again ( there is no pressure to do this again)
I hope this simple gardening process helps you to keep things simple in 2021!
May you prosper and remain in Gods loving grace ❤️
I celebrated turning 37 on the 28th April !!! Happy birthday to meee! Before Covid I had this idea that I would do lunch with my family and close friends and call the gathering a birthday party, something I have never had in my life. Alas COVID happened but I still had the best day of my life.
A beautiful story was told by @chrystalhurst about how her late mom showed up for them as kids and through to adulthood . One of the things she did was come up with this idea that on each person’s birthday, she will be serving you your favorite meal on this “special” plate . This idea resonated so much with me that I even introduced to my family 😄😄😄.As someone who has been celebrating her birthday for the last twenty years only , I am learning each day how important celebration is especially that I have kids. Having unique family traditions is something that I value and this one is staying !!!✅✅
The girls are so excited and looking forward to their birthdays and I think this new tradition will help us thrive on being grateful for one another. #stayhomesa #birthdaycelebratrion #newtradition
So here’s to many years of celebration and adjusting to life as moments present themselves to us !!!
What made this day special ??
KG cut my hair !!!! And he had never cut anyone’s hair in the past so this meant a lot to me . I am so grateful for this moment
Cooking for the family and just being intentional about my day was quite special and that everyone acknowledged it wa super special for me
That everyone agreed and adopted the special plate was super special on its own . Damn the excitement from my kids was out this this world hey
I got a cash gift from kg – listen 👂🏽 I am riiiiiccchh 😆😆😆
Kg giving me a photoshoot with excitement and so much energy. Honestly this was his best show up moment and kudos to my husband people ! He outdid himself , I changed into 3 outfits in a space of 45 minutes 😃and he was so hyped up about it all!
Kg was the dj for the evening and the mood was perfect
My friend and family wishing me well and my best friend T sent me cash 💰 I can’t wait to spoil myself !
I baked my own cheesecake for the first time – like helooo
I just know that this was by far my best birthday celebration ever
In that way , I say I am grateful that I was with my family in this special day. I have grown to love celebrating birthdays thanks to Kg and my friends .
After many days of not going to the front part of our yard , I finally did. As I drove past , I saw something that looked a little bit like a miracle . A medium sized lemon hanging on my lemon tree . The same tree I was talking to last year with all hope lost that it will ever bear fruit !!!
Listen !!! I finally have lemons in my tree – even if it’s just one lemon . This tree had something to prove and the lyrics from Travis Green overwhelmed my heart when I saw this . The tree heard me and it just sad , I will stay , even if I show her with one lemon , I want to show her that I am capable. I cannot explain the feeling of seeing a proper , well rounded , the size of a lemon I usually get from the shops, hanging there , right in front of my eyes. Omg 😳
This tree was so close to being cut and thrown out in my yard. But I took one last step of faith last year . I got all the manure , I spoke to the tree and expressed my concerns and now boom . One lemon 🍋, this is worth a celebration!!!!
Oh the overwhelming Never ending Reckless love of God Oh it chases me down Fights ’til I’m found Leaves the ninety nine I couldn’t earn it I don’t deserve it Still You give Yourself away Oh the overwhelming Never ending Reckless love of God
There’s no shadow You won’t light up Mountain You won’t climb up Coming after me There’s no wall You won’t kick down Lie You won’t tear down Coming after me
The tree reminded me of this song. How much God loves us all. How much His love is never ending. How much He will leave the ninety nine just to show up for you . In the moment of despair when I was about to cut this tree , it showed up for me. Even with one lemon , it showed up.
God will show up , in your moment of being alone , He will leave the ninety nine and come for one . That’s the God I serve !!
Like most families , the Covid pandemic has affected us negatively too. We will be losing part of our income and according to the government schedule it doesn’t seem like work will be going on until the last stage, which may be another two months from the date of this blog post. This does make sense because of the nature of work my husband is in , which is travel.
This has affected us as a family , whilst we have faced a job loss before , this experience doesn’t take away the anxiety from the fear of the unknown and I think in part this is what my body and soul needed to process.
My peace of mind is absolutely gone. I say so because I have not been having normal sleeping hours. I doesn’t matter how exhausted I am , I will be in my bed say 22:30 and I will still be up by 1am , can’t sleep. Then I am up by 8am. Something I am totally not used to.
I started having headaches, on a daily basis consistently . All of my sanity would be feeling fine except I would be having this excruciating headache from nowhere. The only way for it to go has been through grandpa powder medication. So I have bee depending on them for about two weeks straight . Then I had a terrible gum infection , it lasted for a good 8 days before I sought help. I finally got antibiotics and pain medication and my life felt almost normal. And lastly I’ve had my arm being badly hurt , and I don’t even recall what happened to cause the scar.
All of the above are signs telling me something is wrong . I need to sit and be quiet . Listen to my body , listen to my soul. Take it in and allow the pain to express itself , the best way it wants . When all of this is done , I will come out like gold.
As a result I have been giving myself a lot of permission slips that read as follows:
I give myself permission to be afraid. I am afraid of being depressed , losing hope and losing touch with the world . Allowing myself to feel this or even write it has been hard
I give myself permission to worry about how our family will cope with an adjusted income or a possible complete loss of income
Allow myself to draw faith and testimony from the fact that we have been through this before and we saw how our faith kept us going . In 2013 , we got pregnant with our first baby, 3months into it , I lost my dad and lost my job. My mentor said to me “ Nomusa , Gods never puts a baby in a womb without a plan to provide” I give myself permission to draw from this testimony that God did provide , we never lacked and our child is now six years old plus we have a second four years old too
Allow myself to worry for and about KG but at the same time remember the vision 35. Agree and believe that this is the age the Lord told him to retire and that it comes as no coincidence should the job be lost . He knew since day one I met him that at 35 he would retire from formal employment.
I give myself permission to allow the experience in its truest from whilst opening myself to the miracle right in front of my eyes
I give myself to doubt and again be confident of the word the Lord gave me. I was told that 2020 is the year of Liquidation.
Liquidation is a formal insolvency procedure in which a company is brought to an end; all of its assets are liquidated and the proceeds from the sale of assets is used to repay creditors.
Give myself permission to believe that God is a way maker. Even though I don’t see Him working , He never stops working . God has this situation in control . Just because I cannot touch or feel it , it doesn’t mean it exists not
I have no doubt that 2020 is the year of liquidation. Something has come to an end. Pretentious life has come to an end . Anything that is not worth pursuing will not be part of my agenda after the lockdown
Clarity – is what COVID is giving to me . I am getting clearer and clearer. For this , I am grateful !!
Everyone that prophesied that’s it’s a year of clear vision was right too. It’s about time I get very clear about myself and what God says about me !!!
Listen !!!! I am so proud of myself , we are on day 35 and I can look back with so much pride. Before this I didn’t know that I was capable of creating nutritious meals for my family for 35 days straight . We talking 3 good meals a day and never once did I fail them . So I will wait for that mother of the Covid award everybody !!!
I basically had to find what works . Some nights I would defrost whatever I am preparing for the next day. I think the first 21 days were the hardest because I was very tight scheduled , strict and just didn’t want to drop the ball. But I believe after that I became more confident on my abilities and I also realized that I was being too hard on myself . So I took things slightly easier . Instead of making a full breakfast for everyone I just prepared corn flakes 🤷🏿♀️something I am not used to but everyone improvised and honestly everyone has been good team members and very grateful for all the trouble I got through .
Even in this state of uncertainty, I am just grateful for a moment to pause and show up for my family in a manner that would have been completely impossible had it not been for COVID .
I am in my thirties and I have learned that this is a perfect time to put into words the person that I am ? Why so ? Well at 37 I pretty much cannot fool myself by describing the person I hope to be with regards to value systems , beliefs, personality and character . That statement by Maya Angelou finally makes sense “ when a person tells you who they are , believe them “ I never used to talk about myself in any particular context until now. Perhaps it’s because of years of feeling misunderstood and now that I am older I no longer allow that and I come in to save the people the story they might tell themselves about me.
This does not in anyway seek to eliminate the ever available opportunity for growth and change . However it provides a window for one to see themselves for who they truly are . Basically give the facts about oneself
At 37, I am making peace with the following facts about myself :
I am a doer
Which also means I am very active
I love to solve problems which I consistently name challenges
I find comfort in being busy
Which also means that this is how I burn whatever energy I am in in that moment
Both positive and good energy
I work when I am sad
And I also work when I am happy
When sad – to burn the sadness , anger and disappointment
When happy – to exceed the last performance that I set, did it achieved
This means I am a very good distraction candidate and I honestly cannot point to the exact moment when this began I my life . But I am pretty sure that I was very very young when I started on this journey . I personally find pleasure in doing house chores. I can clean the house , do laundry from sunrise until sunset . This was my past time activity as a kid . Never had TV until I was 16, so I don’t relate very well with the box , had a cat until I was 4 years old and my mom used to make me dolls from her old stockings .
Honestly all I wanted to do when I was a kid was spend time with my mom, as a result I copied everything she did. I cleaned the house and she didn’t allow me to cook until I was in my teens , so I just showed up for the rest. And it gave me some quality time to by myself . Something I treasured , I think it’s because we were always a crowd of not more than five kids at the time in my house. Loved it , but somehow I still ended up laying up under my bed with my stockings doll, singing and telling myself stories .
Anyway back to being a doer. Basically what I have learned is that I don’t process stuff immediately, I shove them or file them in a shelf somewhere and unfortunately never make the time to go back to the shelf to deal with whatever is bothering me . Now we know that’s not healthy
How this came to me during this lockdown- we must have been on day 28 or so , my daughter asked me what happened to my arm , I made up a story and I quickly realized that I don’t remember . Not only was I seriously bruised, but I remember the amount of blood and the pain I felt from this , but just like that , I had shoved that painful experience to some invalid , non important event in my life . I mean there is a bigger crisis right ? Mhhn – wrong
So not only was this an eye opener for me , but I started asking myself what else is happening around and in me that I am not processing . My very first admission was to say within myself and I made a confession about this “ I don’t know how to do this” I whispered a prayer , Dear Heavenly Father , help me.
It would be lovely to look back at this Covid experience with genuine feeling and not fazed memories of not being in the present moment . Especially the pain of it all. I emphasize on the pain because I excel on the grace and gratitude.
And so , this is how this picture came about . Me sitting under the tree , meditating , crying, pouring my soul and allowing all fears all feelings to flood me and be still in the moment .
I have never baked like this in my entire life ! The consistency , the curiosity and the amount of patience I have to try out new things has surprised me !!! I am throughly grateful for a moment to create these beautiful memories for myself and family alike.
With the shops having long queues because of the social distancing , I had to look for alternatives to bread 🍞 and baking has saved my life .
Baking buns is by far my biggest and most favorite baking achievement!! And I will tell you why . My mother used to make these soft fluffy buns that used to call my name and wake me up from the bed no matter how early in the morning it was. These buns remind me of home and they just bring so many memories of my life growing up and watching my mother making coal fire and mixing the flour to make these . I was pleasantly surprised that I did a good job for a first attempt 👍🏾👍🏾. There is nothing in the world that smells like these buns and everyone in my family said they could smell them from my phone – listen that’s a compliment I’d take any day all time. My mother thought I got an instant flour (as I am known for keeping things easy) and she was impressed that I made these from scratch . Anyway do check @thelazymakoti for the recipe 👍🏾👍🏾
Cheese cake 🍰 – I made my own cheese cake from scratch ! I felt all kind of feelings because I have been eating this dessert which is my ultimate favorite for yeeeaaaarrssss , this is the dessert that was served on my wedding day too . I bought the kit a while back , I probably had it for six months already and only now I got to try it ! All I can say is – this was the best cheesecake I have ever tasted – okay – 😃. Come dine with me here I comeeee 💃🏾💃🏾💃🏾
Pancakes 🥞- there is no life without pancakes in my house oooaakaaay. The girls really love it and we now know how to make them from scratch . Easy peasy lemon squeezy as the girls would say ! Yummy 😋
I have been cooking and cooking just like all parents out there !!
This is how I show up for my family and after listening to Sarah Jakes about passion, I know I am very passionate about family because of the suffering I am willing to go through for them.
So a few weeks ago , I needed help . I was hoping that KG would give me a 40 and I would come up with another 60 just so we a 100 and get the feeding of the family happening. But I was too ambitious and learned some good lessons .
Doers like me tend to think the way we show up for others , it’s the same way that others must show up for us . Instead of moaning and being sad , I saw this an opportunity and a practical lesson for me to apply some lessons I got from the books I have been reading.
I was reminded of Dr Brene Brown who uses the analogy I have just mentioned above. Marriage at times one has a 5 and the other has to make a plan to see where to find the 95. Ultimately family must function .
It’s all about showing up for one another. Whilst I got my ten from KG in the food preparation department, those moments that he was able to show up for us like that, meant a whole world to me . And so I am very grateful.
I am grateful for the thoughtfulness and time he took from his work to prepare us a meal. The thoughtfulness of serving me and the girls breakfast in bed. I know it’s not as many times as I wished for but he showed up and what’s what matters right now
And for that and to him I say thank you !!!!
What I am learning through surviving COVID-19 , is that it’s okay when we cannot show up the way that we are used to and it is absolutely okay to be considerate to others even when they cannot show up the way you needed them to do. We go through this differently and it affects us in so many ways .
Doers, workaholics and those of us who seem to be thriving in scheduling must have patience and grace for those that can’t. It’s not that I have it figured out , I am just a doer but I can feel it in my bones , it’s hard.
The amount of work I have gone through for the family , to keep the house clean , to cook, wash their clothes , is fulfilling and very exhausting . These to me are my acts of kindness , a language I use to show up and day to than I love and care for their well being. I also thrive in an environment with a sense of duty and this is what this means to me
By understanding myself better and being open to others I am learning slowly to give myself permission to rest, because doing must not define who I am . I truly hope I come out a better quality person after al this .
After all the eating and dining the body’s needs to detox .
My garden has been my saving grace and I was able to pick up a few good harvests for this purpose. My go to detox solution is as follows :
I usually blend all these together and then strain the juice out , put a bit of ice and some honey to taste and am good to go. Whilst we do emotional and spiritual detox , our body needs to clean up too !!!